Myrtle Beach Bike Week is turning to slapstick. If you actually are in the greater North Carolina-South Carolina metropolitan area this May expect to see Keystone Kops, clowns throwing pies and Mel Brooks and Albert Brooks and Woody Allen all zooming up and down the coast in camera trucks.
First, you know about the new Myrtle Beach laws. Right? The city of Myrtle Beach has passed a set of laws designed to seize your motorcycle, drive you out of town on foot and encourage, “Y’all, to don’t be stupid now and try to come back. Boy. Y’all come back we gone make y’all squeal like a pig. Soo-wee!”
In all of South Carolina, only Myrtle Beach has a helmet law. And a hundred, idealistic, American bikers, brave sons of both the North and the South challenged that law last weekend. Fifty-seven of them won themselves $100 tickets. Five got warnings. One was ticketed for parking his bike in the wrong place.
Horry County does not want you. Atlantic Beach does not want you. Maybe North Myrtle Beach still wants you but the rest of Horry County is working on them and there are still ten weeks to go.
Who Wants You Baby
So who wants you? Myrtle Beach Harley-Davidson wants you. That is who. They want you a whole lot.
Mike Shank, who seems to speak for both Festival Productions and the local Harley dealership continues to try with all his might to paint a big, old, bright smiley face on this heaping pile of Mongolian cluster love. The Festival Productions rally-call it “Cruising the Coast” and don’t even bring up the subject of names-is still scheduled to blast off May 8th and linger until May 17th.
That is if, and right now it is a very big if, Myrtle Beach does not manage to get its hands on its very own nuclear bomb between now and then.
Just a little well-meaning advice here, okay? If you are down there this May and you happen to actually be able to see the city of Myrtle Beach through binoculars or a telescope or a long camera lens or whatever you got? And, you notice that the good citizens of Myrtle Beach are putting on, like, dark glasses and radiation suits? You might consider trying to run.
Dealers Association Rally
Meanwhile, the Carolina Harley-Davidson Dealers Association, has announced that it is moving its annual Spring Rally all the way out of South Carolina. This year’s official Harley rally will be held in New Bern, North Carolina on May 15th and 16th.
New Bern is the second oldest town in North Carolina. They have hotels and a waterfront and they are only about 20 miles from the nearest beach. This rally will be held at the fairgrounds just outside of town.
And, they just love them some tourists down there in New Bern, North Carolina. Whoo boy! You know, what with the economy killing everybody’s vacation and all? Tourist business is in the toilet, partner.
So, they would just love for you to come on down. Hell, they are practically right up on the South of the Border motel, truck stop, souvenir emporium and fire works stand. If you have never been there you have to go. Forget Paris, France. You have to see the South of the Border at least once. Pedro says so.
Welcome Elderly Bikers
Mayor T.A. Bayliss III, issued a press release in which he sincerely stated that New Bern is, “pleased and honored…to hold your rally in our city, and we pledge our total cooperation in making your rally a most pleasurable and memorable occasion for all in attendance.”
Of course, Mayor Bayliss is under the impression that only about 4,000 “older people” are going to show up for this thing. When the Associated Press asked him about the possibility that a hundred thousand or so bikers might soon be on their way, His Honor was shocked! Shocked!
“Absolutely not,” he said. “We couldn’t handle it. There’s no way in the world.”
Prep the whipped cream pies. Standby the Keystone Kops. Send in the clowns. Everybody, now y’all have fun. Ya’ hear?