What The World Needs Now

February 27, 2014

All Posts, News

What the world needs now is, of course, another biker reality television show. Don’t cringe yet. This one might star you.

A production company in New York called Eastern TV is casting a new television program. Eastern has previously produced must see television like Crazy Hearts Nashville, Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, When Robots Rule, Apocalypse Island and Cocaine: History Between The Lines. Obviously, if Bischoff-Hervey can get a biker show on the air anybody can.

The job of starring this as yet untitled show pays money. If you can recommend someone for the lead part you can make some easy money, too. The contact email is [email protected] The casting notice might offer you a little insight into how these television shows happen. Here it is. Go for it.

Casting Notice


Are you a man with miles of hard road behind you, ready to ride toward a bold new horizon? Read on…

We’re looking for a family man who has spent years in loyal service to his motorcycle club and wants to kickstart a new life starring in a brave new series commissioned by a major cable network. If you’re an outlaw with a heart of gold your greatest adventure might be about to begin…by sending us an email.

If this isn’t you, but sounds like someone you know, and the network selects them for the series, we will give YOU a $500 finders fee!

What it takes…

You need to be hard and uncompromising, with a personality big enough to fill the screen.

Your family is as important as you are. If you’ve got a little girl you can’t say “no” to and a wife who knows exactly how to tell you “no,” we’re off to a great start.

You need to be ready to put the outlaw years behind you and make a new start at something totally different. It’s great if you know what you want to do next, but if not, having the desire is enough: we can help with the rest.

Next steps…

Write us an email telling us a bit about yourself. It doesn’t have to be too long – a couple hundred words is perfect. If you have a picture of yourself and your family you can attach that would be very helpful. We are working on a tight deadline with this so you can expect a quick response.

If you made it this far and you are having trouble imagining what life would look like as the star of your own reality show just remember what the Butthole Surfers said… “It’s better to regret something you did, than something you didn’t do.” If you are our guy you’ll know what this means.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

[email protected]




36 Responses to “What The World Needs Now”

  1. PigPen Says:

    shit, i nominate those rough and tough skalliwags the Iron Panties. They don’t take no shit, know how use a cell phone with deadly authority and know how hard it is to pay for a patch and get it in the mail.
    watch out fellas, they been around for 10 years and are coming to a tv set near you.

  2. Mike 184 Says:

    Wow… can we get past all this crap. Sounds like some honey boo-boo shit that my kid tries to watch….

  3. Freeman Says:

    Fuck i cant wait for this crap to be over and done with. how many seasons of sons of analchy left?

  4. DocB Says:

    “It’s better to regret something you did, than something you didn’t do.” If you are our guy you’ll know what this means.

    Hope I never get that smart, and why the hell would I live my life based on the advise of a buthole surfer …………………

  5. jj solari Says:

    Dear Eastern People: I just seen your request here on this site place. I could sure use some quick dough. I am as biker as can be; I have syphilis, gonorrhea, probably aids but i dont want to go into how that might have happened lets just says i’m not proud of myself, i have NO teeth at all so i am a bit hard to understand and THEN i mostly just say fuck, shit, cunt, piss, nigger, jizz, cock, balls, jew, spic, dago, slope, gook, kike…..wait did i say jew?…..ok, never mind when i said kike. i already said jew there’s no reason to guild the fucking lily, you know what i mean? hey i lost my place. can i jack off while i type this? will that bother you at all? i hope you’re a chick readin this at least, me with my cock in my hand and all. no matter though, you can be a dude, i cant see you so who gives a fuck i’ll just pretend your pamela fucking goddamn anderson. but if you are a dude just keep quiet about it. at least till i squirt. WHOA! and there was the squirt. even sooner than usual. guess i’m done. that is i’m done with the jackin’ off!….not with this letter. so anyway i want to be on the show. now i HEAR that you production companies have jesus christ more hot chicks standing around with clipboards in their hands than faggots at a gay bar standing around with dicks in their hands. any truth to that? cause i aint been laid….at least to a human….for i THINK two years. and as long as we’re on the subject o’ fuckin’, i fuck goats. i mean it is ESSENTIAL that i fuck at least one goat a week. or else i go fucking insurgent. you do NOT want to see that happen. relax relax we are not talking prize-winners here, shit the goat can be dead, hauled out of a Basque’s Love Barn as long as there is some milk in its butter bags. you ever slide your cock against a goat’s titty satchels? holy shit, they feel like cashmere. guess that aint a mystery now that i think of it. ok, i lost my place. oh, and another thing over and above my goat requirements – i need to ingest, every day, at least one quart of tequila – good tequila, fucker, not Queervo Fucking Gold or Yolanda’s Select, or some other crappy mexican infected pussy juice with a tequila label on it. I need single-estate shit, fucker. there is no discussion here. do not fuck with me on this. you wanna buy it and keep it on the set?…that’s fine, but if i come in the gate and some fucking fat-assed guard says “no liquor on studio property sir” he’s gonna have his fat ass suddenly filled with problems. i dont think this is unreasonable or temperamental. i aint one of those actors who go around “oh this trailer aint suckin’ my dick properly” or “that secretary’s tits are too small.” fuck no. i dont care how small your employees tits are long as i get to see em. can ya dig it? ok, we’re on the same fucking page here. ok, so here’s the deal, you can come here to pick me up OR i can go there. you just set the date, i gut nuthin’ but free time, dude. except during Goat Hour. heh heh. i think you know what i’m talkin’ about. thanks! later.

  6. Grumbler Says:

    Fuck that shit. I’d be okay as an extra being fed into a wood chipper on the new Fargo tv series.

  7. RVN69 Says:

    DocB, how fitting that in recruiting for this shit hole show they choose to quote “the Butthole Surfers.” Maybe they shoulda said they were looking for butthole surfers that own motorcycles for this show, that would have narrowed it down to the rainbow riders and their support club, the iron order.

    “USMC killing more people than the plague since 1775.”

  8. Tooj Says:

    From the release, I’m forecasting it’s “Queer Eye for the Biker Guy”.

  9. Tooj Says:

    That shit would write itself. Episode 1: Mongo hears how he makes the Eye Guys feel. Eye Guys learn emergency room procedures.

  10. Va.Bob Says:

    Now, that’s the j.j. we used to know!

  11. FNG Says:

    Oh, I remember the Butthole Surfers MC. Not the best-smelling guys, and most of them were full of shit, but I can’t imagine life without them.
    Seriously, though, they’re going to really have to nut up to beat The Devil’s Ride for my weekly fake-ass comedy fix… “This week on ‘Softails and Sodomy’: Big Vajayjay lines up a massive drug deal with the Iron Order, but will he get the Viagra in time or will the rally be another limp-dicked failure?”


  12. FNG Says:


    “Mongo only pawn in game of life.”

    “Queer Eye for the Biker Guy” is why I quit getting gas in Hillcrest here in Dago.


  13. RtC Says:

    They should have gotten the theme: “NORM BIKER THING IN STURGIS” in 2000!
    Pigs kept saying the same thing over & over “Sir, shut the cell phone off,put the cigar out, and step away from the bike!”
    THAT’S when it ALL really went to SHIT!THAT was the last year I went to Sturgis. Year before they had FORD TRUCKS all up & down the street, NO BIKEPARKING. That year they announced that NASCAR had bought the rights to put on STURGIS! Been down-fuckin’-hill since then.
    WHEN will the “novelty” wear off?! Know folks that won’t even go into
    Sturgis, because of all this shit! THE RIDE IS THE THING, & if you want to be on TV, I say FUCK YOU, YOU AIN’T REAL(told ya I drink a “little”)
    Anyway, hope the 1’s that apply make lots of $$$$! Good fer you, but I
    won’t ever be rich. This world is run by money, that’s why I’m not
    PRESIDENT! Plumb sad I ain’t, be LOTS of fuckin’ CHANGE!!!

  14. RtC Says:

    FUCK IT! I want me sum MONEY!!! I’m gonna E em & see if’n I cain’t be on
    T V! I’m not in a club, and I can’t ride a scooter no more, but SURELY,
    they’d want my expertise! Hell, I kin act! Not like the feds don’t already
    know who I is. Let’s let the REST OF THE WORLD KNOW!!!!MAYBE, bein on TV will get me IMMUNITY!!!!Seems to work fer everbody else!!!

    RESPECTS to the REAL

  15. slow-n-low Says:

    Another reason I’m glad I rarely turn the idiot box on outside of watching an occasional hockey game.


  16. jrnr Says:

    Shit, based on what I had seen on the IO SUCKS website, I thought the Butthole Surfers were the iron order. Now I am confused! Fucking fags.


  17. Paladin Says:

    I’ll bet OL Vinnie (The Pretender) will be all over this one. I can see it now; Stolen guitar strapped to his back, long hair in the wind, 1%er TAT prominently displayed, wearing his edible silver star, pasted on his “V” device.

    Long May You Ride (to those that deserve to),


  18. One Eye Says:

    “How did things ever get so far?” – Don Corleone.

  19. Glenn S. Says:

    Va. Bob said: “Now, that’s the j.j. we used to know!”

    Hell yeah!

  20. Base Says:

    Yep jj. Some funny shit! What’s that popular inter web lingo,,,,, oh yea ROFLMAO.

    Reality TV sucks.

  21. dizzydesi Says:

    oh shit you guys are tooo funny!!!


  22. Vikingtrotter Says:

    They quoted Butthole Surfers..too funny.
    “If you’re an outlaw with a heart of gold”
    I nominate Rebel. lol

  23. Tomo Says:

    They should do an UK version: sponsored by Yorkshire Tea, ‘bikes supplied by Enfield. Preferably using characters with scouse, geordie or Glaswegian accents. Something the US audience will spend the first few episodes wondering what the hell is going on…

  24. AVAGOVFFV Says:

    Wow this makes me just warm and fuzzy, fuck another shit program exploiting something intended to be closed to the squares. Bullshit it is, just bullshit.

    Viva Los Vagos

  25. Kryndl Says:

    A “reality show” about MCs would be about as legitimate as a BET award.

  26. Alex9000 Says:


    Another one??? Really??…Cmon..what the fuck!!!


    L&R To Those That Earned It!

  27. ashleyistwisted Says:

    LMFAO!!!!! oh Shit JJ Solari that was unfuckingreal!!! Love taking a break from work and seeing what is up cause this site ALWAYS got something going on… LOL!!!

    Well let’s see i’ve done bartending, strip bars, night clubs, maintenance girl now… Ex-cheerleader but ya cant do shit with that once you hit your 20’s… I’m a bit short 5’3 but i can add more inches on making my hair super big!!!

    I’ll take a trailer next to the guy doing the goat!!!! LOL!!!



  28. jj solari Says:

    Dear Eastern TV Entertainment People: i aint heard back from any o’ you fuckers yet regarding my willingness to agree to be one of your bikers-livin’-the-life motherfuckers. And speakin’ of “eastern” you fuckers aint from the eastern that’s fulla muslims, are ya? And by that i mean the middle eastern. I think you know where i’m going here. I dont even know why that came to mind. But i would like some clear and cogent answers before you and me get too far into my television career. I think clearing the air at the fuckin’ outset would do a great deal to ensure benign and gentle cooperation between the two of us. Kapish? And, no, that aint Farsi I’m talkin’. No, it’s fuckin’ Wop, my friend. I think you are getting the picture. You know what?….I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and go so far as to say I am positive you are getting the picture because I can see that you are all very bright and intelligent people.
    Ok. So now that we have all that settled, to get back to the topic at hand here – I aint heard from none o’ you assholes yet about my offer to be in your show. What, you think i am made out of Spare Moments? You think I have nothing better to do but to check my fucking computer screen to see if anyone lit a fire under any one o’ your fat-assed staffers’ fat asses yet? Well you need to think again, my fine amigo gentlemen compadres from the land of television channel surfing. Which reminds me, speakin’ o’ channel surfing, you know why us dudes channel surf?….to see if eventually we will stumble across a Mexican game show with 22 year old, short, big tittied, mini- skirted Mexican women enthusiastically jumping around and squealing while rubbing their middle fingers up and down their cunt-slits in masturbating bliss because they just correctly guessed how long Reynaldo, the heart throb of Pelicula Recuerdos Putos Con Gleem Habla Peenchee Ca-Brone…’cause they guessed how long his dick is. We channel surf in order to stumble across shit like that. And ya know, i’ll say this about the fuckin’ Mexicans and their shitass government bureaucracy……they know how to Not Censor live television. “Hey, tits come out of clothing,” is their attitude, “Why blame us?” “Hey, Mexican hot models sometimes sit down in short skirts and sometimes the camera is at crotch level and you see Mexican Clam Sites. Ees not our pault, my pren.” You gotta love it.
    Hey, I got a little waylaid there but I am back on track, fuckers, so let’s get to the meat of this here fucking message.
    I think you may remember that in my first letter which you so far have not answered I said “there’s no point in guilding the lily.” I have since re-read that and I realize that i misspelled “gild.” You gild lilies. You dont guild them. You cover them in gold lame’, you dont fucking make lillies join a fucking union. Unless its Lily Pons. Then you make her join the Screen Actors Guild. If she says no you kick her ass out onto the street and you hire some dime-a-dozen broad to take her place. There’s rules, bimbo: follow ’em or follow me out of the building and out onto the sidewalk, bitch.
    Can you believe the nerve o’ that cunt?
    Fuck it, forget about her, let’s get back to me. So I used the wrong “guild.” I should have used “gild.” “No sense gilding the lily.” I believe I was talking about having said jew-bastard and THEN saying Kike as a follow up. Like, I mean, how many Jew names do you have to use when saying Jew Bastard. One’s enough. You don’t have to then add Kike. Everyone fuckin’ knows what you’re talking about.
    So I fucked up and I wanted to let YOU assholes know that sometimes I can be an asshole too. Hey, we’re all just human and it follows to reason that we only have human assholes inside of us. Or outside of us. Depending on where your asshole actually begins. That might be a good topic for one of your biker episodes, in fact: defining the true starting point of the anal perimeter. I ALREADY want to watch that one. Do you have a show schedule written up yet?….I want to program the time of the anus episode into my tv-thing here. Not that i expect you will actually do it; you havent even responded to my job application yet, fuckin’ pricks. Why do I think you’ll send me a programming schedule? I must be fucking being ripped apart by some Lysergic Acidstorm of Stupidity.
    Anyway, I want to clear up that guilded-giled thing cause I suspect it was bothering you just as much as it was bothering me. “Hey, Hymie Goldstein?…..Moishe Yabramovitz here: Thanks for the Mogen David, OY, that must have set you back. Hey did you read this job-app from this biker person?…..he doesn’t know the difference between guild and gild. Can you believe this? I thought you said bikers were actually smart people.” I mean, yeah, no shit, that was probably the chatter in the office when you read my letter. When you all weren’t spraying saliva all over the place from eating Pastramis from Cantors, uh course.
    Ok, so, I’m glad I cleared this up. I fucking cannot stand loose ends. Makes me crazy. HA HA look at me, you’ve got ME talking Jew now: “Makes me crazy! – Oh my G-d you have no idea! I should be so blessed come to think of it. A little craziness would calm me down from the state I’m in OHHHHH!!…….”
    Ha ha, you Heebs are wild. I love you fucks. Really. But, hey, what’s with the no-pussy-eatin’ thing with the women? What, are they all cloisters? Wtf?
    Ok, gotta go, duty calls, gotta take a dump. Thanks for not giving me shit about the typo in the gild thing. ‘Preciate it.

  29. RtC Says:

    DAMN! Shouldn’t have told them I could ACT!!! Was good up to that point!!!
    Oh, well. Used to being broke anyway.

    RESPECTS to the REAL
    Redwolf the Conchoman

  30. Austin Says:

    Oh – I can think of a couple of people that would be PERFECT for this gig!. *click me* for a nice family photo like what they are asking for. It’s tailor made for some attention starved media darlings!

  31. Showtime HFFH Says:

    I never thought I’d see the day when once again these hollyweird sleaze balls would try to use and exploit bikers, did we learn nothing from the 60’s? Am I missing something here? Is this like an every 50-60 year cycle that must repeat itself like a broken record? Bikers are not some fuckin’ ant farm to be trivialized and made to dance for the squares and be the subject of “reality” shows. Maybe we can blame Sons of Malarkey for this too, you know when they are not tainting jury pools and enticing wannabes to start bs clubs and embrace their inner badass. They just keep making a mockery of something they don’t understand and we’re the ones who have to suffer, all this publicity and all the press is attempting to do what the Feds, the road, and inter-club rivalry couldn’t do, at least not yet. All the stereotypes and exposure is indirectly making us cute and cuddly to suburbia, I think I’m going to be sick.

  32. T-shirt seller Says:

    Whats everyone bitching about? This is another chance for everyone to feel super cool while ripping on another shows lame efforts to paint a portrait of “out-law bikers”. It’s what everyone lives for, just check the most popular posts on this site. This is super awesome! Fuckin tv dorks.

    Respect And love and stuff…

  33. Oldskewl Says:

    Seems like they already have a plot picked out…
    Old school die hard club member with a daughter he can’t say “no” to and a wife that tells him what to do.

    Yep, sounds like reality to me.


  34. Austin Says:

    @jj solari – I know – I’m a tiresome old nag *click me* – but you are really throwing me off here with your clarification of guild – gild by throwing yet another “that guilded-giled thing” term in. Giled? Jiled? Be-guiled? Be-Jeweled? Guy-led? Oh Man – I am not trying to yank your chain – I just want you to know – I am paying attention to you – and I always want you to look your best out on the street, ya know?

  35. Cap'n Bill Says:

    I just heard of one called ‘Bikie Wars: Brothers in Arms’
    It was produced a short time before all the nonsense in Australia started (2012)

  36. Tooj Says:

    How about an IOMC member with an SOA full back tattoo and a LDMC support shirt?

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