World To End

December 20, 2012

All Posts, News

Unless the History Channel, Discovery Channel and National Geographic Channel are wrong, the world will end sometime tomorrow. And really, when have these impeccable sources of infotainment ever been wrong? For example, consider the sum of their excellent journalism on the transnational biker menace.

The possibility that tomorrow might be doomsday has briefly displaced the “fiscal cliff,” the tragedy in Newtown and the empty posturing of our Professor President on gun control as the world’s top story. Any hack in any newsroom can get drunk and grind out a couple of pieces about this news possibility. It’s like Christmas came early for reporters. Consider:

Dateline Serbia

Members of a philosophical discussion group called The Spirit of Rtanj Association have created an economic boom for businesses near Mount Rtanj, a pyramid-shaped rock in southeastern Serbia about 150 miles east of Belgrade. Members of the Association believe several ancient calendars including those of the Aztecs, Anazazi and ancient Egyptians predict a new era will begin at 11:11 a.m. On December 21. The Aging Rebel was unable to reach representatives of the Aztecs, Anazazi and ancient Egyptians to find out what time zone.

(Like, as these words are being written at noon on December 20 in Los Angeles, it is already 7 a.m. tomorrow in Sydney. And I just tried to call Sydney and I couldn’t get through!)

Nebojsa Gajic, a spokesman for the Hotel Rtanj, said “We have some 30 percent tourists more this year, compared to previous ones, maybe due to doomsday rumors.”

Sandra Vlatkovic, a spokeswoman for the Serbian Tourist Office, summarized what most news outlets are thinking today when she said, “Our official stance is not to support such mythology, but if it is good for business, so much the better.”

Dateline New Yawk

The New York Post is reporting a spike in meaningless, recreational sex. Swimsuit model Niki Ghazian told New York’s sleazy tabloid of record “If I die, I don’t want to die on a dry spell! Everybody should go out feeling satisfied. If the world’s gonna end, why hold back?”

The Post reported that “more than a dozen bars and clubs in New York City are throwing end-of-days bashes, including a comedy show at the Bell House in Gowanus and an ‘End of the Funking World Party’ at B.B. King Blues Club in Midtown.”

Meanwhile, The Wall Street Journal ran a feature story about the companies that offer the best deals on prefabricated underground shelters and freeze dried food. The New York Times reported that, “Alarmed by spreading fears in China that December 21 will bring global apocalypse, security officials across the country have been rounding up members of a renegade Christian group whose members have been aggressively promoting the notion that devastating earthquakes and tsunamis will coincide with the end of the 5,125-year Mayan Long Count calendar.”

Dateline Merida

Many eschatological believers say the world will end tomorrow because the traditional Mayan calendar will end either tomorrow or on December 23, depending on the translation. Archaeologists believe the calendar is 3,114 years old although it does describe a cycle of 5,125 years.

CNN quotes a “wood carver” in a Mayan village near Merida called Yaxuna as saying, “Lots of people say it’s the end of the world, but we don’t believe that.” The wood carver, Santos Esteban, told the Atlanta based news network that he is “looking forward” to tomorrow.

Other reasons cited for the imminent end of everything include a the collision of a planet called Nibiru with Earth; the annual alignment of the Earth, Sun and the center of the Milky Way Galaxy; the explosion of our Sun; a killer asteroid like the one that wiped out the dinosaurs; or a polar shift.

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. Stay tuned to the History Channel, Discovery Channel and National Geographic Channel for updates.

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28 Responses to “World To End”

  1. WARTHOG Says:


    I’m not knocking her intelligence. It’s just that she is so far right that she makes Hitler look like a Marxist.




  2. possible fucktard Says:

    Aha – the Mayan Serb conspiracy.Probably some Tuetonic Knights mixed up in it too using Santa and the Easter Bunny as secret couriers. Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Kick ass’ Kwanza, Happy New Year , and don’t forget Buddhas birthday. No, I’m not tying to be politically correct, I just like free food and days off.

  3. Sieg Says:

    Shit. Still here. And I was hoping to get out from under that beef..

  4. Phuquehed Says:

    Gotta disagree with ya WARTHOG about Ann…if only the libtards had people as intelligent as she, this country would be in a far less mess.

  5. One Eye Says:

    @Glenn S: As much as I’d like to take the credit for that funny line it was Bad Magic’s. I just quoted it because I thought it was funny. Didn’t another oracle predict the end of the world last May and mid-way through the day pulled off a Roseanne Roseannadanna,”never mind!” Nothing sells like fear and uncertainty and inasmuch as there is a sucker born every minute the retailers love it. I remember Y2K; you couldn’t find a generator or bottled water in the city. Gullibility is big business. By the way it’s snowing here and I’m NOT happy.

  6. Jim666 Says:

    JMack , i woke up and same here just not that much, everything,s white

  7. Glenn S. Says:

    Sounds great, Wretched Man. Its 10:30 in South Carolina, cold, windy, and sunny. I’ll soon be astride 96 cubic inches and 2 wheels, riding to work on some of the MOST policed roads in the world, sharing said roads with battalions of yuppie females on cell phones who are Christmas shopping, frantically changing lanes every 100 yards or so to better position themselves to enter one overpriced retail outlet after another, oblivious to those of us they share the road with. On the way home about midnight, I’ll dodge more idiots while running the gauntlet of DUI checkpoints that have become omnipresent around holidays here in the land of the free.

    I suppose I could take the car but what fun is that? Besides, every post-apocalyptic movie I’ve ever seen has the survivors traveling around the country on motorcycles, dodging abandoned cars on freeways.

  8. WARTHOG Says:

    Damn phone. I meant ( and have since) to post the above article in the dialogical saloon. My apologies.

  9. JMacK Says:

    I got out of bed and thought it may have happened…maybe I was in hell…except I looked out the window and saw 3 feet of snow and realized that hell probably isn’t 25 below…I guess I’m still alive and in Fort McMurray…

  10. WARTHOG Says:

    I found this article surprising since I have never agreed with anything Ann Coulter has said before.

    Merry Christmas,



  11. Mayan Says:

    I happen to be of mayan decent… And I predict I’m gonna go get another beer…

  12. Wretched Man Says:

    Here in South Africa its about 8:30am
    The temp is about 95 F, skies are blue & slightly cloudy. The ocean is calm & cool.
    In the next 30min i will be listening to the throbbing twin as I ride in one of the least policed area’s in the world on roads that are exciting & comparatively quiet, in some of the most scenic areas of the Cape
    This is what life is all about, 2 wheels, 2 cylinders, 1200cc, twisty roads

    Ride safe
    Much L & R

  13. RLG Says:

    I might be goin to hell in a bucket, but at least I’m enjoying the ride!

  14. Wretched Man Says:

    @Bad Magic
    If the Mayan’s were so good at predicting the future, we’d probably still have Mayans…

    Well over here in deepest darkest Africa the world has not ended (it is 1:15am Central USA).
    My own experiences with regards to ANYONE predicting future events with accuracy regarding time & place have ranged from the ridiculous to darn right hilarious.
    In 2007 I had an indigenous withdoctor (referred to as a Sangoma) drive his light delivery vehicle right into me, almost removing my leg in the process. The fact that he never saw me coming just begs for endless ridicule…not very good at his chosen profession……..
    To all those who stocked up on canned beans, have a gas!


  15. Phuquehed Says:

    Crap! I forgot about the end of the world shit! If I’d remembered, I’d have got good and lit so it didn’t hurt any if it did happen. Or…I’d have just got good and lit anyway because it’s, uuhhhh…Friday…which is good enough reason anyway.

  16. Glenn S. Says:

    One Eye said: ““If the Mayan’s were so good at predicting the future, we’d probably still have Mayans…”

    Wisest thing I’ve heard about this go-round of “end of the world” shit. Last time, when some nutty preacher said it was coming, I think, at 6PM on a certain day, I stopped for an orange juice and coffee at a Waffle House during a day long ride. It was kinda cool. There were rednecks, bikers, chicks, young black males, all kinds of people started talking to one another about the fact that we were still alive.

    But I HAD been looking forward to post-rapture looting.

  17. Bill Says:

    KK: Burn another and check this out. I think you’re onto something.

  18. Ronbo Says:

    Ride On Paladin

  19. Paladin Says:

    I just hope the Fwys. will be less crowded

  20. One Eye Says:

    “The Aging Rebel was unable to reach representatives of the Aztecs, Anazazi and ancient Egyptians to find out what time zone.”

    “If the Mayan’s were so good at predicting the future, we’d probably still have Mayans…”

    Ha ha ha ha , lmao!!

  21. sled tramp Says:

    Went to see what the fortune teller down the street had to say but she was closed due to unforeseen circumstances.

  22. Jim666 Says:

    hummm ??? Well im going to bed if it does end please do not wake me up!

  23. RVN69 Says:

    @KK: Smoke a good fatty & I swear Oreo cookies have Mayan markings on it!

    KK when I smoke a good fatty, I eat all the Oreo’s!!

    “I am not the devil, nor am I an angel, I am the bastard stepchild of both.”

  24. RLG Says:

    Some say the end is near
    Some say we’ll see Armageddon soon
    I certainly hope we will
    I sure could use a vacation from this

    Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of

    Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call L.A.
    The only way to fix it is to flush it all away
    Any fucking time, any fucking day
    Learn to swim, I’ll see you down in Arizona Bay

    Fret for your figure and
    Fret for your latte and
    Fret for your hairpiece and
    Fret for your lawsuit and
    Fret for your Prozac and
    Fret for your pilot and
    Fret for your contract and
    Fret for your car

    It’s a
    Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of

  25. BadMagic Says:

    If the Mayan’s were so good at predicting the future, we’d probably still have Mayans…


  26. KK Says:

    RVN69: Smoke a good fatty & I swear Oreo cookies have Mayan markings on it!


  27. RVN69 Says:

    Heard from a friend in Australia, they are still there. Maybe the Mayans misplaced a decimal point.

    Serbian chicks are hot up until they turn 40, then overnight they turn into babushkas.

    Sometimes the majority just means all the fools are on the same side.

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