Do Not Go To Myrtle Beach

September 29, 2008

All Posts, News

If you go to the Myrtle Beach Fall Rally, “The Pilgrimage,” this week -whatever you do, stay out of Myrtle Beach.

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina is the putative home to two biker rallies each year. The Spring Rally each May has drawn as many as 300,000 visitors. The Fall rally, which this year runs from September 30th through October 5th has drawn as many as 100,000 visitors. And, Myrtle Beach does not want you anymore. The party is over.

Hurt You Bad Boy

Myrtle Beach cannot possibly make its civic will any more clear. The City of Myrtle Beach does not like you, it does not want you and if they see you it will be a matter of city policy to hurt you. Not gentle like before. This time they intend to hurt you real bad.

Earlier this month the city passed a series of ordinances designed to make sure you never come back. Among the highlights:

* Ordinance 2008-57 declares motorcycle rallies to be nuisances and authorizes the police to sue to recover any costs they may incur as a result of these nuisances.

* Ordinance 2008-58 proclaims that even if the rally is not held in Myrtle Beach, if participants go there, and the police arrest those participants, the rally organizers are liable for the costs of those arrests.

Do Not Even Think Of Sitting Here

* Ordinance 2008-63 declares it illegal to loiter in a city park. Think about it. You can no longer loiter in a city park. What exactly is the point of a park if you cannot loiter in it?

* Ordinance 2008-64 is Myrtle Beach’s own unique helmet law. In the rest of South Carolina, if you are over 21-years-old, you can wear any hat you want when you ride your motorcycle. Unlike every other state in the union, all helmets in Myrtle Beach must be provably DOT certified. If any yahoo cop thinks your helmet is not DOT certified then it is not. Like the other ordinances, the point of this ordinance is to give police a reason to arrest you and seize your motorcycle.

Hey Boy, We Told You Nice

* Ordinance 2008-69 says you cannot just loiter in a park. Loitering anywhere is a criminal offense punishable by a $500 fine and 30 days in jail. Loitering?! Like what people do on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.

* Ordinance 2008-71 says that while you are in town the police may be authorized by the mayor to act as judges. If this was run by the Feds it would be called Operation Efficient Justice.

* Ordinance 2008-66 says that while you are in the state, convenience stores must hire security guards. While you are in town, if the store doesn’t hire a guard they cannot sell you a burrito. And finally, the nasty one,

The Nasty One

* Ordinance 2008-68 says that if your motorcycle has aftermarket exhaust pipes , or if your pipes do not have a Federal Environmental Protection Agency Stamp, or if a cop determines that the sound of you motorcycle exceeds 83 decibels your motorcycle will be impounded and stored at your expense until the police actually see you load it on a trailer and haul it out of town. Eighty-three decibels, by the way is, according to the Washington Post, quieter than any of ten recently surveyed Washington restaurants Eighty-three decibels is about four decibels less than the average sound of a Los Angeles freeway and is 14 decibels less than the average volume of an unmodified, stock, 2006 Harley Davidson Softail Standard.

Do not go to Myrtle Beach. If you go to Myrtle Beach bring a lawyer, a gun and a big bag of money.

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