Zombie American Chopper

April 8, 2010

All Posts, News

Abandon all hope. It’s not over until Paul Senior says it’s over. American Chopper is coming back.

Two months ago the cable television network TLC announced that the inexplicably popular “biker reality” show was being cancelled because, as inexplicably influential journalist Perez Hilton put it, “Who watches this thing?”

TLC issued a statement that read, “The Teutuls will always be a part of the Discovery family and we congratulate them on a tremendously successful series run.” And, those rash words gave some gullible people hope

Just in case you are totally lost and yet, inexplicably, you are still reading you should know that TLC is one of the “Discovery Networks.” The Teutuls are the zany trio of borderline personalities who star in the show American Chopper. Individually, their names are Paul Senior, Paulie Junior and Mikey. And people watch the show because they think it is fun when these irresistible rascals try to fit a half-inch socket onto the end of three-eighths inch ratchet.

Sample Dialogue


What do you mean it keeps falling off?! You’re an idiot!


I not a idiot! You a idiot!


Just snap it into the thing! The thing! (Spitting) I didn’t say your thing! THE THING!


Why won’t you ever let me create?


(Voice rising) You’re an idiot!


Look! I bought a can of orange soda!

Great isn’t it? It is sparkling moments like these that make the show so hard to resist if you are in jail and your wife is mad and she won’t bring your bail and this is what the guards want to watch. These lovable and interesting people also build motorcycles that usually look like something other than motorcycles – like fire engines or jet fighters or leaf blowers or snow shovels. And they are very working class and blue collar except that thanks to this television show they are now richer than the Rolling Stones.

You Won’t Want To Miss

This summer the Orange County Choppers “crew” will open a restaurant next to company headquarters.

Last season on American Chopper Paul Senior fired Paul Junior and according to a press release the two have not spoken for a year. In this year’s fabricated story line Paul Junior must prove himself to Paul Senior before Paul Senior will yell at him again.

This resurrected version of the show will be titled American Chopper: Senior versus Junior. And also, apparently last year Mikey went out for a walk and he is still lost.

Production on the new season begins next week.


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40 Responses to “Zombie American Chopper”

  1. Tony Says:

    Square Verbose Doc:

    I would like your permission to quote extensively from your post on April 9th,in reply to Not Surprised, which begins with:

    It’s not just that we are a nation of voyeurs. We are also a nation of attention whores.

    It’s well-put and priceless.


  2. willienelso3 Says:

    Not Surprised:

    I would like an okay from you to also quote your words of April 9th,

    “Rebel, we are a nation of voyeurs. The more unsatisfying . . . .” etc.

    They are also priceless, and provide the context for what SVD wrote. (After all, his post was in reply to yours.)


  3. Rad4Ever Says:

    Let’s see…
    Chewed my arm off getting away from lawn mower to watch AC?
    Followed my Wife around begging to do “Honey Do’s”?
    Volunteered for a new radical lobotomy removing 3/4 my noodle so as to view AC?
    That’s it!
    Now that I have a quarter pounder brain….time to turn on AC reruns!

  4. Square Verbose Doc Says:

    Dear Willie:

    Thanks for the kind words.
    Permission granted, and thanks also for having the decency to ask.

    With Respect,

  5. Rashomon Says:

    Thanks Grumbler. I might just go and check that out. Might make for a nice little diversion.


  6. willienelso3 Says:

    Square Verbose Doc:

    I would like your permission to quote extensively from your post on April 9th,in reply to Not Surprised, which begins with:

    It’s not just that we are a nation of voyeurs. We are also a nation of attention whores.

    It’s well-put and priceless.


  7. willienelso3 Says:

    Dear Rebel,

    Thanks again for a good piece of work. Made me cringe and laugh and even think a little.

    Your appreciative reader,

  8. Grumbler Says:

    Rashomon – there’s a motorcycle shop in Omaha that restored a ’72 Norton Commando into something, uh, different:

  9. Rashomon Says:

    Seeing as we’re so far off topic anyhow, I’m travelling with work this week and I’m in currently in Omaha … I’m thinking I might be thirsty later in the week. Any suggestions?

  10. sled tramp Says:

    Well, ma haid hurts looking at Jabba’s map……:-)

  11. DocB Says:

    the cast of sons of anarchy all go home at night, they’re acting. They know they’re not the people they portray, cause they’re acting.

    The cast of Operation Repo, the Tuttles, and Dog the Bounty Hunter are stuck with themselves. They’re not acting. They’re stuck on stupid.
    Can you imagine having to be those people 24/7/365. Stuck on stupid, it’s gotta hurt a lot! If these people think about any one thing too long, they’ll fuckin run outta breath.

    to qoute sled tramp “Ma haid hurts”


  12. Square Verbose Doc Says:

    “Paul Sr told them “I gotta tell ya, I got a problem with ‘roid rage”, and they didn’t realise he hadn’t said ‘road rash’ till after they’d signed the contract….”

    I’m convinced that when they make reality TV shows they must employ one of my colleagues to screen for significant personality disorders.

    Not to exclude them from the cast mind you.

    If you’ve got one, you’re in!


  13. Damon Says:


    Truth be told, I was born a Pom, emigrated to Oz as a kid…after I stole that loaf of bread, Mum & Dad told me they had no choice….been back to London a few times now, never been out to Acton – locating an Australian pub next to a copshop sounds like a stroke of genius to me, a lot shorter distance to be dragged by the ears, flaming newspaper notwithstanding…

    What was this thread about again? I heard that when they first pitched the idea of American Chopper, Paul Sr told them “I gotta tell ya, I got a problem with ‘roid rage”, and they didn’t realise he hadn’t said ‘road rash’ till after they’d signed the contract….


  14. Jabba Says:

    I shouldn’t mouth off, have enjoyed an Antipodean spring lamb or two in my day. Sweet and cute as Hell.

    Damon > You ever get to London, UK – the Redback Tavern, Acton (Oz bar just next to the cop shop – bad location, good night out)? Not an infrequent offense to be chucked out for pyrotechnics.

    New a guy who could set his farts alight and get a two, or three foot flame.

    Got us banned for a month.



  15. ironrider Says:

    Tootles ain’t bike builders, they’re cake decorators.

  16. Damon Says:


    Those were the days…glad to see another expatriate here…


  17. Damon Says:


    Spoken like a true Son of Albion. Thankfully, the kiwis will never run out of sheep.

    With respect in kind


  18. Jabba Says:

    Damon, I’m just too big a man to rise to the bait.

    But I think you’ll find the only reason the Ozzies would’ve invented a sport where they set fire to their own assholes, would be to avoid getting butt-fucked by the Kiwis when they run out of sheep.

    With much respect


  19. Rashomon Says:

    The old dance of the flaming arseholes .. that brings back memories. Back when we were 12 or 13 we used to ride our trailbikes around at night (North Ryde in Sydney) and look for parties and BBQ’s that were going on. We’d hide our bikes for a quick getaway, take all our clothes off and sneak as near as possible to the back yard. We’d then roll up a few pages from the news paper, light one end, run into the back yard in then stick the unlit end of the burning news paper between the cheeks of our arse and swing around on the clothes line with a flaming arsehole as it were. While the party goers were looking on in horror, we’d bolt off, jump on the bikes and beat a hasty retreat. All very amusing until one night when unknow to me, my partents were at the BBQ – I caught a good beating for that stunt to say the least. Thankfully, in my 50’s now we can laugh about it over a beer when I get back there from time to time. Maybe in a few years they’ll see the humor in the frequest (short, thankfully) vacations to long bay – ah well … such is life.

  20. Square Verbose Doc Says:

    You see, Damon? They really do care. They want you to have a well-maintained arsenal.


  21. Damon Says:

    Jabba and Sled

    “The Dance Of The Flaming Arseholes” is a traditional Australian folk dance, which our military taught the Poms in a vain effort to help the English find any sport at which they could beat Australia.

    SVD: Sorry I’m late, the voices kept telling me to clean the guns.

  22. YYZ Skinhead Says:

    To give you an idea of how often I watched the show, I thought for months after I first heard of it that Orange County Choppers was in California. When I finally tried to watch an episode, I endured around six minutes of it before I got that “hole saw to the head” feeling–bored out of my skull.

    The only Dickscovery Channel spinoff I ever watch is the Travel Channel because of Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern, in which the host goes around the world eating fugu sashimi, still-beating amphibian heart, blood pudding from any number of species, snail caviar (this really exists), severed sheep heads and testicles. Lots of testicles.

    YYZ Skinhead

  23. TigGirl Says:

    The “Tooties” pay TLC/Discovery to air their programs. Acting the fool for 24:30 (24 minutes, 30 seconds, 15 frames) is cheaper than buying advertising.

  24. Jabba Says:

    There’s cultural exchange and then there’s setting your bollocks on fire.

    I’ll pass thanks.

    And whatever the British Army gets up to with their trousers down can remain a regimental secret. Even the Ministry of Defense don’t comment on the beige berets.



  25. Goldsboro Williams Says:

    I have to admit, I do like the father/son “You’re an idiot” banter. It makes me feel as if my relationships with my dad and with my sons are perfectly normal…

  26. SKREEECH Says:

    You mean you guys aren’t super duper excited to see the Tootles back on TV?? I’m already wet with anticipation… HA!

  27. Square Verbose Doc Says:

    Dear Not Surprised:

    It’s not just that we are a nation of voyeurs. We are also a nation of attention whores.

    A good book is to read is “Hello, I’m Special”, which outlines the idea that we have a whole generation of people who think that they should be famous just for being themselves, and who think that every life is worthy of being depicted for the masses. Just to be a regular, unknown person who does his or her job and is appreciated by family, friends and community is not enough.

    Look at phenomena like Twitter. People actually narrate their trips across the living room. As if anyone cared. But apparently they do. Appearing on “reality shows” is now a full time job for some people. Think about that. There is a circuit and they go from one to the other.

    Though it is not constructive to say it to them (so I don’t), the first thing I think of when I interview very paranoid people is that no one actually cares enough to be spying on them, following them, etc. Sometimes the paranoia is indeed related to a wish that anyone would care about them at all, although it also takes a certain kind of brain dysfunction to support paranoia.

    But now many people who are not at all paranoid share the view that the whole world wants to know everything about them, with the difference being that they love it, and that TV networks can indeed find enough voyeurs to bring their “delusion” into reality.

    Voyeurs + Attention Whores=Teutels


  28. Not Surprised Says:

    Rebel, we are a nation of voyeurs. The more unsatisfying our culture becomes, the more we desire to live vicariously. I hate most TV shows and take a perverse pride in not knowing who the contestants are on American Idol. I’ve never watched Jersey Shore.

    The last TV show I was enamored of was “Pee Wee’s Playhouse”, and then only when I was sober enough on Saturday mornings to watch it.

    I have tuned in to a few epsidoes of Pawn Stars recently cuz I like the format and there seems to be very little disingenousness in its quirky characters.

    It is difficult at times to know which side of the fish bowl one belongs. The “Truman Show” may have been more prohetic than we realize.

    My life ain’t perfect, but it is very real and I apologize publicly for not having anything in common with Dog The Bounty Hunter.

  29. Rebel Says:

    Dear Preacher Chuck D.,

    Sorry about that. Shit happens.

    Yes, that is exact dialogue from the first episode of the next season of the show. And then the season after next will be about them going to Hollywood to find Mikey and while they are there they get their star on the Hollywood walk of fame. (Spoiler Alert!!!) When they find Mikey he is dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and panhandling in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. And that gives Paulie an idea for a bike!



  30. sled tramp Says:

    Yeah…that DOES sound interesting.On the other hand, the U.K. also brought us the game of “Leggings” where one ties off their M.C. Hammer balloon pants sans drawers and tosses a couple of ferrets down the pants where they happily sanap and tangle next to the crown jewels.
    I once trained with a couple of gentlemen from Hereford on loan to us.All was well until the envitable visit to a bar at which time they dropped their pants,stuck some T.P. up their ass and lit it on fire.(Your brother the former Para no doubt can enlighten you as to the why’s).
    As someone with dual citizenship,I’m all for embracing my cultural heritage.
    However…….I can see why you relocated :-)
    If I have a Charlie Brown aspect, yeah, the Tootles will bring it out.When i have time, shows like Supernatural,Burn Notice,Leverage etc…grab me.The Tootles and shows of their ilk assure me that I must have been a heretic monk in a prior life and punishment is due.
    A new sport craze sweeping Amerika like a storm.

  31. Cap'n Bill Says:

    The few shows I watched made me ill. This is a sad indication of things to come…

  32. Jabba Says:

    Sled>> We used to play an outdoor game in the UK where you’d put a pint of beer on each of two chairs, about twenty yards/metres apart. You run up to a chair, drink the beer, put your head on the back of the chair and (bent over) run round the chair, then run down to the other chair and repeat the exercise – all as fast you could.

    If you run off a chair after three or four beers (or even one) at a 90 degree angle, straight into a tree, or some bastard in armored leather as big as a tree, then – trust me – it’s possible to drink yourself blind in less than 30 seconds.



  33. Grumbler Says:

    At least the Teutuls will be too busy with their own show to appear as guest stars on Sons Of Anarchy. Bwaahaahaa!

  34. JAMES Says:

    TOO BAD, television was just getting interesting and now these goofs are coming back, think I will shoot it like I did my last one.

  35. Preacher Chuck D. Says:

    Thanks Rebel… now I have to clean the coffee off my fuckin’ keyboard and the front of my shirt after laughing at this one… did you get an advance copy of the script or something? Well done man.

  36. Gusto Says:

    You said it Not Surprised!!

  37. troyez Says:

    Something’s wrong if Sledd starts yelling like Charlie Brown!!!
    I think he drank too much grain alcohol, call da amber-lamps! Ha ha! Hang in there my friend.

  38. Not Surprised Says:

    This one and Operation Repo are the worst…. If anyone ever talked to me the way Paul, Sr. does…

  39. sled tramp Says:

    I walked in and found my youngest daughter watching Ganland last night.Dumbfounded, I stared….she says all her buds and their families in our little town watch the show.So, she rewound the thing.I’ve seen an episode or two with Dobyns and Queen since this page discussed them at length and I had no frame of reference.But holy shit…
    Literally 3 minutes into the cold start, I didn’t like MYSELF. (I ride a Harley, have tattoos and stare a lot so therefore I fit their profile of a vicious anti social type).Man, do they pile it high….I couldn’t believe the crap they were saying…no wonder everyone throws rocks at me when I ride by….and mow the tootles are coming back?
    Is it too late for ritual suicide? Can I drink enough to make me blind before the premire?

  40. I.J Says:

    Just watched that little video clip you got up there…. I think the extra money they are now earning must be going on acting classes. Their worksop practises are still questionable. But hell with that little office spat, they just keep re-inventing themselves and keep getting hired!

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