Your Maine Noise Victims

February 4, 2010

All Posts, News

Andy Ford is mad as a hell and he refuses to put up with you anymore! Andy Ford. Surely you must know Andy Ford!

Well then, you must have at least observed that there is a gentle rhythm to the motorcycling year. In most of the United States there is the season of riding away from care and there is the season of the infuriating political fight. This is winter so this is the season of the political fight.

These fights, you may have also noticed, always endlessly recur like an infomercial on a loop on a television in a third world, airport bar. You don’t have to understand the words to follow the plot. These dramas always cast three roles.

A Little Political Bestiary

Over all, in judgment, sits the politician. And, has there ever been a more despicable species of vermin in all of earth’s history than the modern American politician: Fatuous, cheesy, corrupt, unprincipled, venal, incapable of performing even the most rudimentary and mundane tasks – like sending an email for himself; always wearing a joyless and frozen smile like a month old corpse and frequently adorned by attractive female lobbyists and power groupies. Even politicians know the nation deserves better. But these are the only invertebrates in all of God’s creation who have evolved without a gag reflex or the ability to experience shame so they are the only candidates who can hustle up enough special interest dollars to win an election. Even sewer rats can be made to feel shame but not politicians. So, naturally, politicians are in charge of everything.

Beseeching the politicians at these annual events is invariably a group of rough hewn, homespun and earnest bikers wearing plain dress and properly addressed by colorful nicknames. They seem to be bikers who have been tooling around the desert on their Panheads for the last thirty years and they have not yet discovered America is now a wholly owned subsidiary of China. Consequently, they come to the politicians as lambs come to slaughter. Usually the bikers have some connection to a fraternal advocacy group named ABATE. ABATE used to be an acronym for “Leave Me Alone Or I Will Fuck You Up.” Now it too has evolved – into something more like “Please Don’t Hurt Me Again.” In promotional materials ABATE claims to stand for “A Brotherhood Active Towards Education” which even ABATE cultists understand makes them sound weak.

And arrayed against the bikers is always a “citizens advocacy group.” The group is usually just one guy who calls himself a group. He has never ridden a motorcycle. He has never sat on a motorcycle. He would never sleep with a woman who has ever sat on a motorcycle. He has never given it much thought but he is pretty sure that you start a motorcycle with a magic wand. He is also convinced that he is the smartest and most informed man in the room. He confidently pronounces, “Loud pipes definitely do not save lives!” And finally, he is convinced that if he just works hard enough, he can save the world – from you.

Maine

This week in wintry Maine, the citizens group is called “Maine Citizens Against Loud Motorcycles” or MECALM. Mecalm is a guy named Andy Ford. The proposed state law is Bill LD 1675. It is titled “An Act to Reduce Noise Caused by Motorcycles and Improve Public Health.” It is sponsored by Andy Ford’s neighbor, State Senator Nancy Sullivan.

Yesterday Senator Sullivan told the Kennebec Journal that her “constituents,” by which she seems to mean Andy Ford, are “emotionally, physically and mentally affected by motorcycle noise. At the very least, we must do something to address motorcycle noise, and I am hopeful for a solution.”

Then Senator Ford had a little, seven-year-old girl named Grace Nowacki testify on behalf of her bill before the Maine State Legislature’s Transportation Committee. The little girl had to stand on a chair to reach the microphone: Because it made for a really touching scene that emphasized this little angel’s helplessness and vulnerability and also because none of the politicians was smart enough to figure out how to lower the microphone stand.

“When I don’t have a chance to cover my ears, the noise from the motorcycle hurts my ears very badly,” this poor, dear, little child explained to the assembled press. “Sometimes, it takes me a very long time to feel right again after a loud motorcycle passes by.”

Other witnesses testified that loud motorcycles prevent people from having conversations, cause hypertension and force other victims to stay inside all summer long.

The proposed bill would forbid motorcyclists from modifying or replacing their original factory exhausts and would force bikes to have an official annual inspection to ensure that they have not been illegally modified.

Andy Ford. Now you know Andy Ford.

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23 Responses to “Your Maine Noise Victims”

  1. Damon Says:

    Jabba

    Reminds me of a guy I knew years ago – a one percenter who was a Jehovah’s Witness. He’d knock on people’s door and tell them to fuck off….

    Damon

  2. Jabba Says:

    Aha, “cloudless sky, everything blooming” – it’s been minus 10 celsius here and snowing most of the morning, you’re just trying to piss off the ex-pat’s again aint you sled?

    Glad it raised a smile, always good to re-live the ill-spent youth with like-mided folk.

    Keep the wind in your face.

    Jabba
    SYLO

  3. sled tramp Says:

    Jabba,
    The cloudless sky,everything blooming…bike’s running great…came in for some coffee and read your post.LMAO…you truly made my already perfect day better.
    sled tramp

  4. Jabba Says:

    Back in the UK, the local council Environment Department sends Environmental Health Inspectors out to houses where neighbours have reported they’re making too much noise – can be a party or bikes, anything. they can slap a “noise abatement notice” on the owner of the property. Means they can get arrested and fined if they don’t keep it down.

    Back in the eighties I was sharing a house in a “nice area” with a couple of guys.

    One of the neighbours once said to two of us, “You ride motorcycles don’t you? I hope you’re not like those Hells Angels. We’ve got some round here you know, they call themselves Outlaws.”

    We sort of looked sideways at each other and said nothing.

    Between three of us, we had two Sportsters, a Night Train, a Fat Boy and a LOT of spare parts. All over the nice back lawn mostly. One Sunday, we were out doing some work on the bikes, every now and then an engine would start up, die, start, choke, die, start, die… that sort of thing.

    Music in the background, usually pretty loud. Jack Daniels and a LOT of beer. In all, a great way to spend your Sunday.

    Mid-morning, a knock on the door. I get up, and realise that I’m pretty drunk. I’ve been trying fir some spokes for about two hours and have done, maybe three. I weave to the front, open up and this big guy in a suit says, “Good morning Mr. XXXX, I’m and Environmental Health Inspector…”

    In my usual. diplomatic manner, I jump a little (he was taller than me) and manage a creditable head-butt on the bridge of his nose. he go’s down, bleeding and moaning.

    “And I’m a cunt.” I reply, to both of him, as I shut the door and stagger back to my spokes.

    About four or five hours later, we are all very, VERY drunk. I’ve done, maybe, two more spokes. Another knock on the door.

    The big guy’s back, both of him, swaying in unison in front of my poorly-focusing eyes, huge fucking hospital dressing over his nose, two black eyes. Every fucking pig in London and a LOT of flashing lights on the street behind him.

    “Good afternoon Mr. Xxxx. I’m still an Envirnmental Health Inspector.” he says.

    To give him some credit, he came in, served us his paperwork, had a drink and accepted a supporter’s shirt… he never even prosecuted for the nose.

    The following week we had a BIG party, just to please the neighbours… and the week after that… and the week after that…

    Jabba
    SYLO

  5. fayettenamhoe Says:

    fuck him too

  6. I.J Says:

    Hey he must be refering to those imported bikes. Harleys don’t make noise. They make music!
    I.J

  7. YYZ Skinhead Says:

    Grumbler,

    Bitchin trike at 0:10. (Homer Simpson drool…aaaghaaaahhh…)

    YYZ Skinhead

  8. Docb Says:

    Hey Grumbler

    Thanks for the link man. Looks like there’s life on the planet after all.

  9. Beowulf Says:

    I’d like to set up a dyno machine out in front of his house, and offer a free dyno test to the first 200 bikes that show up!!

  10. YOLO Says:

    Apparantly this man named Ford has never had a life of his own so he tries to make us as miserable as he is. Guess what Andy.. I have street pipes, yep the original but I will ride by your house 9 times just to get under your skin. I’ll even aim ’em at you for maximum volumn.

    Get a life pal and leave us alone in this sorry world for our moments of freedom. You idiot and selfish bast…

  11. 10Guage Says:

    A little extra work..Big fuckin deal. I run dual glasspacks and headers on my Impala and true dual straits with big thunder baffles on my FL don’t know which one is louder but they don’t sound right until they are Wide Fuckin Open.

  12. YYZ Skinhead Says:

    pb68slab,

    I live on one of those pitiful narrow ever-flooding streets in Long Bitch.

    There’s one or possibly two motorcyclists on V-twin riceburners that ride through here occasionally with loud pipes.

    There are a gazillion punkass dipshits in junk cars and ShitUrineVomits that pound by with lousy “music” blasting at 4000 decibels and literally rattling the windows and walls in my fucking house.

    There is a gang of savages next door who broadcast their shitty gangsta rap (old school rap is fine, gangsta rap SUCKS ASS) at a level that can be heard in Arizona.

    Guess which of the above would be singled out if somebody said something about “noise”.

    YYZ Skinhead

  13. Rebel Says:

    Dear Rashomon,

    That’s the spirit! If only there were more bikers like you. Bring fire crackers.

    your pal,
    Rebel

  14. ANARCHYFACTORY Says:

    DocB,

    Much thanks will do

    Respect, Steve

  15. pb68slab Says:

    And what about the punk kids with their 5000 watt ghetto blaster subwoofers in their Jap cars with the loud fart-can exhausts?

  16. Rashomon Says:

    When they say Maine, I’m assuming they mean Kennebunkport and environs. In my experience, the rest of Maine is pretty civilized. It’s just the wankers down in southern Maine that would be likely to piss and moan about a little passing traffic noise. I’ll make a note to look Andy up in the phone book and ride around his block an extra couple of times next summer when I’m up that way – just for the hell of it.

  17. DocB Says:

    ANARCHYFACTORY

    Thanks for the link about Washington State.

    Biker rights groups in Texas got a bill through that requires, as part of their training, that law enforcement officers take BIKER SENSITIVITY training. Now that’s some strong shit.

    In KY they are trying to run a gang law through. They put two bills together and started both through committe at the same time. We got the first one withdrawn and are working on killing the second.

    Check out your locak MRO and the US DEFENDERS.

    Respect
    Doc

  18. Goldsboro Williams Says:

    Some people just are not happy unless they are actively making rules for other people’s lives.

    Isn’t that a Virago on the sign? Even if it were a Virago from the late ’80’s or early ’90’s (when they still made them over 250cc) they were not that loud. Just sayin…

  19. Grumbler Says:

    KEEP IT DOWN IN TOWN! Seriously, I let ’em rip once outta populated areas. That said, the oem exhaust system (with socks over the openings) has been sitting on top shelf in my garage for the past 8 years. Still have fond memories of riding back and forth with straight pipes over the High Street Pedestrian Bridge in Santa Cruz until they put metal poles up at the entrances. Man, almost rode on the pedestrian bridge going over US-101 in Arcata this past summer.

  20. VFFV Says:

    Always with the kids and in the name of Public safety….. we should outlaw airplanes next…Fuckin lumps

  21. Beowulf Says:

    FUCK andy ford and all his neighbors!

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