Merry Christmas

December 24, 2009

All Posts, News

On the night before Christmas all through the clubhouse
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ciccone, the nasty, little mouse.
The guns were all hidden in the crawlspace with care,
Knowing SWAT the next morning was do to appear.

The brothers were passed out all snug in the beds,
While dreams of blue highways roared through their heads.
And, Mama in her ‘kerchief, and I in my baseball cap,
Had just finished our revel and were ready for a nap.

When out in the street there arose such a clatter,
I lurched up crying, “Hide the drugs!” Mama asked, “Baby, what’s the matter?”
Away to the window I hurriedly dashed,
“They’re early,” I whispered then threw up the sash.

The moon on the white of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of morning to all of below.
Then, what to my one good eye should appear,
But a long pack of bikes leading a truck! Filled with lawyers, guns and beer!

With a big, bearded driver, so dour and rough,
I knew in a moment he was one of us.
Swifter than bullets the bikers all came,
And he cursed and he shouted, and he called them by name!

“Now Death Head! Now, Frito! Now, Genghis and Loki!
On, Eagle! On, Surt! On Phoenix and Charley!
Put a boot in them lawyers! Get security ‘round here!
Nobody gets in or out! Are you gonna drink that beer?”

“What’s going on,” Mama wanted to know.
“Relax, baby,” I grinned. “Want another go?”
“But that noise in the street? Is SWAT already here.”
“No baby, relax. That ain’t happenin’ this year.”

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82 Responses to “Merry Christmas”

  1. Jabba Says:

    Skidoo?!!?? Fuck. Would sooner sell the old lady…hope to Hell she don’t read this.

    Already had to sell my old Night Train before we moved out here… but took delivery of a 2009 Street Bob three weeks after landing in June (and a LOT cheaper in Canada than the UK)… ooohhhh yeah, the things we’re goin’ to do together…

    Really hope to Hell the old lady don’t read this.

    I hate to admit it, but WTF, anonymity of the internet and all that… I just can’t fuckin’ ride properly in all this white shit… me or the bike’ll end up in a fuckin’ lake. Probably both.


  2. troyez Says:

    You guys in the Great White north are made of sterner stuff for living there. I’d sell my bike and get a Skidoo!

  3. Jabba Says:

    MINUS TWENTY-THREE with two foot of ice and white stuff on the ground in Eastern Ontario!

    Must be fuckin’ nuts.

  4. DocB Says:

    It was 16 on the way home from work this morning.
    Anual polar bear run today. Stayed in the twentys all day. Fuckin’ polar bear never showed up. That 10 degree weather you’re having is headed our way (north central KY). Winter sucks out loud.

    yer pal

  5. sled tramp Says:

    I enjoyed a very pleasant putt.The ONLY good thing to come of the New Year so far.
    sled tramp

  6. troyez Says:

    Anybody take a ride today? Not me, it was about 10 degrees in central Illinois today. Come on spring!

  7. troyez Says:

    And a happy New Year to you all! God Bless you all in the coming new year!

  8. sled tramp Says:

    Have a Happy New Year’s everybody! Party smart,no D.U.I.’s and I’ll see ya on the playground you next year.
    Hoping your 2010 is warrant free and mechanically blessed,
    sled tramp

  9. I.J Says:

    Dammon….. Stay over there, with the larger population you have a better chance of not standing out in a crowd as a cockhead. I have allot of Kiwi biker mates that would do anything to help me out should I ask.

  10. Not Surprised Says:

    YYZ: I’mma take your word on that drink recipe and will definitely mark you down as resident expert on crazy black chicks too..

  11. sled tramp Says:

    Well, if I survive the ANZAC attack by the coalition of pissed off expatriates at my door, Rebel has my contact info should you be so inclined.I OK’d release to you.
    sled tramp
    They apparently brought some ghurkas for good measure.I’m in the shit.

  12. sled tramp Says:

    Gringo 1%er,
    Yeah, we’ve been wandering all OVER the damn place.Time for Rebel to put up a new something we can argue about.

  13. Jabba Says:

    Aloof? Smug? Fuck me sideways, what does that make a Brit that emigrates to Canada?

    Never mind, I’m self-satisfied enough to put that lot behind me, take a ride into my neck of the woods (about an hour out of Ottawa, 30-40 minutes over the New York State border into Ontario), and I can crack open a bottle of 16-year old, single-malt, Lagavulin scotch – no ice, no water and certainly no fucking milk.

    Tastes like scotch drained through peat-bog. Beautiful.


  14. Gringo 1%er Says:

    Awww! internet dating , swapping recipes, isnt a blossoming bromance a wonderful thing!! this trains left the station , carry on gentlemen and HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

  15. YYZ Skinhead Says:

    Wow, I missed a lot in the last few days! Australians and whisky and wild wild black women? REAL wild black women drink straight Canadian whisky, single malts (not only Scotch–there are Irish and Canuck single malts sold in the USA now), sweet martinis (made with red vermouth) and variations, Evan Williams–which makes a bitchen Mint Julep, etc. Irish or Scotch cream liqueur, definitely. MILK?? Uh uh.

    Not Surprised and sled tramp, next time you meet black chicks who think milk-and-whisky is drinkable (yuck), refer em to me. I’ll tell em what we are MEANT to drink. I used to be a bartender. Here’s a recipe I conjured:

    1 part Canadian whisky
    1 part red vermouth
    Coca-Cola nearly to the top
    A few shots of Tabasco sauce

    It tastes a lot better than it sounds–which is what I end up saying to the bartenders who give me odd looks when I order a cocktail I’ve invented.

    YYZ Skinhead

  16. Damon Says:

    sled tramp

    New Zealand was founded by renegade Aussies who liked the rum and bestiality but weren’t cold enough.


  17. Damon Says:

    Dirty Bruin

    I fight my brother; with my brother I fight my cousin; with my brother and my cousin I fight the world. Best I know, the Aussies and the Kiwis are the only ones who have fought alongside America in every fight since WW1. Probably why we take the piss out of each other all the time.


  18. DirtyBruin Says:

    sled tramp: I’ve never been there so I’ve only met Kiwis who came to the USA – and that kind of self-selection might well have something to do with my impression.

  19. sled tramp Says:

    I are confused, Don’t know where the chaps thing came from. But I AM a bridgebuilder that wears the same stuff I wore in the seventies (black T shirt and levis) and I wear chaps when I’m riding further than a few miles.
    Yeah, gotta admit I’ve known some cool Kiwis.Generally though, my first statement stands.Still pissed about those sheep I guess.

  20. sled tramp Says:


  21. DirtyBruin Says:


    All the Kiwis I know are smart, funny and friendly.

    Of course, they also make vicious jokes about the Aussies, so maybe that explains things…. ;)

    Damon: having been here for a while, I have to wonder if you keep up on Aussie TV at all. There’s a great show called The Gruen Transfer about advertising, and one of the things they do is challenge ad agencies to create ads to “sell the unsellable”. Well, one episode they asked for ads to promote an invasion of New Zealand! *grin*

  22. Damon Says:

    sled tramp

    You’re dead right, Hoges makes Mad Mel look Lebanese, and I’ve never met a bridgeworker I didn’t like…although he was a city boy…I spent a bit of time in this sort of country –

    It’s been an interesting trip, although I’ve been moving around all my life and I stopped counting miles a long time ago…funny, I find I’m riding more here in the cold weather, the bars and cafes are less crowded and the people I meet are more interesting than the ones I met in summer…

    I guess br=irds of a feather flock together…I don’t really care that much about the shiny chaps crowd…who knows, if we could get every HOG member to join ABATE, we might be able to change all sorts of things…I remember the old ‘Ride No Evo’ thing – at the time, that was supposed to be the sure and certain sign of a weekend warrior…and now, we all ride ’em…Evo haters forgot all the shit that Pan riders heaped on those damned AMF piece-of-shit riders…I don’t know, maybe I’m getting soft in my old age…I never set out to be anyone’s fucking role model, and like I’ve mentioned before, I’m not much of a people person…I wear exactly the same shit now that I was wearing in the 70s – denim and work boots…I wore this shit in high school…I am glad to hear the general attitude on chaps…I can’t recall ever seeing anyone wear them in Oz, so it was a mystery to me why anyone would want to wear ‘weather pants’ with no crotch in them…what the fuck? I asked a bunch of people what the story was with chaps. Couldn’t get an answer better than something to do with cowboy tradition. Okay. Who the fuck am I to judge? I don’t mean to sound disrespectful, but I couldn’t help thinking of the same type of cowboy for whom the drink was named.

    I hope this was lucid. Later.


  23. sled tramp Says:

    Funny you should mention Kiwi’s. I get along great with Aussies.Immediate rapport. New Zelanders on the other hand always seem too “Brit”.Aloof,a bit smug,wound too tight.I’m sure they’re nice folk but I’m never comfortable with them.
    I tried to take a vacation on South Island one time.I was told that they had 3 million sheep and and as I was a Piledriver, it didn’t look good for the sheep so I wasn’t allowed in.There went two weeks of unadulterated fun…..
    sled tramp

  24. Damon Says:

    Not Surprised

    I worked bar here for a while when I arrived, and the accent was worth a lot in tips. I had one regular suggest I stand on a street corner with a tin cup, reciting the phone directory. As I’ve mentioned before on this page, I owe Mel and Hoges a beer for the number of times I’ve got lucky with “Do I know him? He’s only my cousin!”…

    Oz is one of the last real frontiers, and I can see Rebel’s analogy aligning outlaw motorcyclists with frontiersmen. With a land mass the size of the lower 48, as sled tramp pointed out there’s a lot of places to hide your mistakes…

    I read somewhere recently that Australia has the highest number of outlaw motorcyclists per capita in the world, although I’ve no idea how they calculated that. Our national song is about a cop-hating sheep thief who would rather die than be arrested; and our national folk hero, Ned Kelly, was a cop killer and armed robber. I had a t-shirt way back that had Kelly sitting on a Shovelhead in his trademark iron helmet and leather coat, bearing (from memory) a db coach gun, with the motto “If they’d had ’em, he would’ve ridden one”…

    I sympathise with the Canadian thing. ‘We’ (this is where I guess people get confused where I am) also have a neighbouring Third World country that aspires to be as radiant as Australia. They filmed Lord Of The Rings there, but New Zealand is not recognised by the UN and is not known to contain intelligent life.

    I’ll keep the turban thing in mind. Probably the only thing that could have made sled tramp’s dilemma in Tennessee worse…


  25. DocB Says:

    Dear Sled
    Must be nice to have a poser bike they get to pay for 12 months a year and ride 4.

    The local Harley dealer now has a plan where you can make payments on your poser bike during “the riding season” and get a pass for the 4 winter months. Hate to see the interest.

    I ride to work all winter enless there’s salt on the roads. It was about 33 degrees and raining the other night and a poser at work, being a real smart ass, asked me if I rode. I told him it was raining too hard, the bike got wet and wouldn’t start, so I had to carry it. He’ll be back up on his when it gets to about 65.

    Frigidly Yours

  26. sled tramp Says:

    Gibson is only half Aussie.Hogan is 100% and a former Bridge builder/worker.Obviously,the choice is clear.
    Western OZ to WA is gotta be a weird change.Too bad you’re usually the only one riding.I get that a lot here down south.All the “I’m a badass ’cause I ride” seem to magically appear on sunny days above 65 degrees.Must be nice to have a poser bike they get to pay for 12 months a year and ride 4.When I see that testosterone smirk I blow ’em a kiss.Always get a chuckle form the reaction.I fuckin’ hate posers.

  27. Not Surprised Says:

    Damon, yeah I could see your accent being more pronounced with a bit of social lubricant. Of course we think all Aussies are either like Mel Gibson or Paul Hogan; take your pick.

    Just like all Candians say “eh?”. Know what I mean?

    Just don’t ever wear a turban on your head in the South or people will think you talk like Osama Bin Laden.

  28. Not Surprised Says:

    Rebel, I’m going against you on this one…I would not advise anyone try this.

    From what I could tell, the stuff never “mixed”-but just swirled around in the glass like a grey looking oil and water…

  29. Damon Says:


    Thanks, I think…I have started keeping away from gay bars, after that unfortunate misunderstanding when I asked if anyone wanted to toss me for for the first frame…that kind of trouble just isn’t worth the clean toilets, you know?

    Cultural exchange is my life.


  30. Not Surprised Says:

    Well, we gotta lot of new business from it. They would call my boss quite regularly and “request” me lol.

    Only think I can think of worse would be Scotch and breast milk.

  31. Rebel Says:

    Dear Square Verbose Doc,

    No, they call that drink a “Cowboy.” It was briefly popular during the heyday of Manhattans and Whiskey Sours and Gimlets. Try it sometime. Go into a bar and order a Cowboy. Don’t try it in a gay bar.

    your pal,

  32. square verbose doc Says:

    “Whisky in milk…what the fuck do they call that?”


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