Nag, Nag, Nag 2016

October 17, 2016

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Nag, Nag, Nag 2016

Last night was the Blood Moon, which marks the official start of motorcycle hunting season, so it is time for the annual (usually) sermon about that predictable moment when you meet the deadliest animal in North America. Motorcycle hunting season coincides with Cervidae mating season.

Every year, during October and November, packs of horny, male deer congregate near fermented berry bushes looking for love. They are like drunken, horny males of all species. Some of them find a female and some don’t. Some of them are smart. Some are stupid. Some are risk takers. Some are suicidal.

Just Facts

According to the American Automobile Association, seven of eight people who die after crashing into a deer are motorcyclists. Seventy-five percent of all deer versus motorcycle accidents result in an injury to the motorcyclist. About six percent of all fatal motorcycle accidents start with hitting a deer.

According to a journal for physicians titled MDEdge: A “retrospective review of a level I trauma center in Buffalo, New York, revealed that 40 of 487 (8.2%) of patients admitted because of motorcycle crashes from May 2007 through June 2011 involved deer. There were 120 total injuries: the most common were orthopedic (39/120; 32.5%), chest (38/120; 31.7%), head (18/120; 15.0%), spine (10/120; 8.3%), facial (8/120; 6.7%), and abdominal (7/120; 5.8%). Thirty-five of 40 (87.5%) were men and were older… than the average for all motorcycle crashes during the study period.”

Sharks kill one person each year in the United States. Snakes kill six. Dogs kill 28. Deer kill about 200.

You are most likely to hit a deer in West Virginia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Iowa and Montana.

During motorcycle hunting season, which runs from now until the middle of December, you may want to consider wearing your special, Department of Transportation approved, plastic hat at night. Deer whistles, honking and loud pipes will not protect you. Deer have evolved to escape wolves, not you. Flashing your lights might help but you probably won’t have time to do that.


Deer react to your proximity. Their flight distance is about 60 feet. When you get that close they react. Drunken, lovelorn deer react more slowly than sober, alpha deer. Typically, deer jump straight ahead and then run in zig-zags. At 65 mph you will have about ,6 seconds to react. Brake hard with both brakes as soon as you see a deer and ride straight. Do not swerve, The person who told you to swerve when you see a deer was trying to kill you. If you have time to react before you hit the deer, aim for the ribs. Te ribs have more give than the hips.

If you hit a deer and kill it, and you are relatively unscathed and the bike still runs, you get to keep and eat the deer. You don’t need a hunting license.

As always, be careful and enjoy your barbecue.


29 Responses to “Nag, Nag, Nag 2016”

  1. Bolo Says:

    Deer are vermin. They should be hunted year round.

  2. James Crawford Says:

    I guess you could refer to these accidents as “getting buck fucked?”

  3. Phuquehed Says:

    Meh, I stop in the road to get off the bike and nudge snakes back into the grass/brush – no matter if it’s poisonous or not – then back on the bike and on my way. I figure if I worry about a deer or something fucking me up on the bike I’d ride like a granny-lady on Sunday after church who can barely see over the dash. Fuck that. That doesn’t mean if I see any deer near the road I’ll not watch the fuckers close or prep myself for any action to avoid ’em if I need to, but I won’t fret over it none either. Besides, with the constant pain of my back I can’t hunt anymore ’cause I can’t sit still long enough to not scare any off that it’d be the only way I have to get free meat/venison in the freezer, heh. Hell, I even feel bad for the two squirrels I’ve run over on the past 8 years…talk about a stupid animal that can’t make up its mind which why it wants to go when panicked and you’re right on its ass, hahahahahaha.

  4. bcnasty Says:

    Had a buck come out on me on rt 522 that run along side me for 30 40 feet.The only thought was if I slowed and he cut in front of me I was a dead man. Have however hit a Buzzard on I 85 in Carolina the fucker flew slam into my fairing broke my GPS and windshield. I stopped pretty far down the road as I was running 80 mph and walked back, the fricking thing was flopping around on the road so i kicked the shit out of it. Buddy told me later that was not smart as they are protected.Felt like someone threw a watermelon at me.

  5. Sieg Says:

    Here ya go…didn’t have all that typing in me this morning, but I found this, and it’s pretty much accurate. Stateville was an interesting place back in the day…this was about ten years after I rose, and conditions had “improved” significantly.

    The Latin Kings rose to be one of the most feared and revered gangs inside and outside the penal system in the state of Illinois.

    The Latin Kings ordered “hits” against correctional officers, killed disobedient members and did not hesitate to commit violence against rival gang members.

    Latin King gang members would follow orders and vowed to lay down their lives for their “Nation”. Unfortunately, this also meant extreme internal discipline and organized fear.

    In 1983, an inmate by the name of Carlos Robles vanished two days before he was scheduled to be released from the Illinois Department of Corrections. He was presumed to have escaped; however, years later, a high-ranking Latin King, who turned informant, gave the FBI critical information about the location of Carlos’ skull and of how the Latin Kings butchered him and fed him to the Stateville Prison inmate population for dinner.

    According to the informant’s account, Carlos Robles was a north side Latin King who had disrespected the leader of the south side Latin Kings, one Raul Gonzalez (AKA “Baby King”). After receiving approval from Gustavo Colon, the hit was ordered against Carlos Robles. The two Latin Kings that were chosen for the hit were heavy PCP users, and they basically told him they were throwing him a “going away party”.

    The two hit-men got permission from the cellhouse guard to use the basement for the going away party—the basement of the cellhouse unit also contained the shower area. When Carlos entered the basement of the cellhouse with the Latin Kings they decapitated him and then chopped his body up into smaller pieces with heavy gauge steel machetes.

    The head was the only body part that could not be chopped up into smaller pieces.

    The Latin Kings paid a rival gang member, who was in charge of the butcher shop, to grind up the body parts.

    On the menu that night at Stateville was meatloaf. No traces of the skin, bones, teeth, or blood of Carlos Robles were found for years. His skull was dug up in 1995 in Stateville when an informant offered information of its whereabouts to federal authorities in 1995. No one was ever charged for his murder.

  6. Sieg Says:

    Paladin, you never heard the story of the Latin King in Stateville Penitentiary? Thought that one was world famous. Wasn’t chorizo, but no one was eating meatloaf for a minute.


  7. Brad H Says:

    Something I learned riding after deerthirty here in Washington, Idaho and Montana: get up close to a cage and let them hit the little beggers first. At least then all I have to do is dodge the car, again. Saved my ass on Lookout pass on the Idaho side.

  8. Paladin Says:

    Not that many deer down here in SoCal. However, we seem to have plenty of illegals crossing the roads, day or night. Some get hit, but I’ve never heard of anyone making them into chorizo.

    Long May You Ride (to those that deserve to),


  9. Burgess Says:

    TX Biker I’m in Texas and had the damn near exact same thing happen. That putrid shit gets in everything and burned into the chrome on my pipes. Took
    a hellava time to clean it all up.

  10. Bone Head Says:

    Swampy I wish you good hunting. All of us should fill our freezers with bambi-burger.

  11. swampy Says:

    Hopefully I’ll keep a few, taken from my pasture, out of the roadway in a couple of weeks. Center fire rifle season starts late down here. Also beware of encountering deer on wet roads and in morning dew – they can’t get good traction to get out of the way. That’s how I clipped one.

  12. Nags Says:

    I got 1 about 10 years ago and that slide down the asphalt sux no matter what the reason is. I felt lucky to come away with a broken ankle and a sled in need of fresh tins. UnLike 1 of my long time mentors Larry Tingley the service manager at Sandys Harley who didn’t walk away from his “corn rat” collision

  13. The Kraut Says:

    Thanks Sieg…I am wrong a lot, according to my ol’lady.

    Heres a nice hypothetical situation, hildabeast crossing the road ahead of ya and you’re driving a cage…

    I’d take the fucker in the ditch and up in a field to bumper-brand that cunt!

    Respect to those who warrant respect

    The Kraut

  14. TX_Biker Says:

    @Docb that was funny!

    A couple years ago I got forced into the emergency lane by an inattentive cager. There was a dead deer lying in the road right in front of me. Evidently it had been fermenting in the Hot Texas sun for some time because as I hit it midsection it sort of popped. I didn’t hit the pavement and was able to bring the bike to a safe stop but I was covered in the foulest smelling gelatinous goo you could ever imagine. I had to wash myself and the bike off at a self serve car wash. A few of the people washing their cars stopped to watch me use the big foamy brush on myself. Being the smart ass i am I shouted at them “what the fuck are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a biker take a bath before”…..

  15. Docb Says:

    Hate to find my head mounted on a piece of wood hangin above some Deer’s fireplace

  16. Dino Says:

    By the way Rebel, thanks. My mom moved away from me a while ago.

  17. Ziocles Says:

    Whats that nigga doin up on that naaaaaggggg

  18. Ziocles Says:

    Was within about 3 inches of tagging a white tail riding up Thompson pass in Montana.

    Saw it darting into the road and managed to swoop hard to the right at the least second. Thought I was going to hit its ass for sure.

    Dark mountain roads in the middle of nowhere. Bought a deer whistle after that.

  19. ak rack Says:

    The state of Oregon probably has more laws than it really needs. I found this at the Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife website under I section labeled “Can I keep a road-killed animal?”:

    “Game animals like deer, elk, bear, cougar, pronghorn, bighorn sheep, Rocky Mountain goat that are found as roadkill may not be kept by anyone, including licensed hunters. It’s not a legal method of hunting. This law is meant to discourage people from hitting a game animal with their vehicle in order to keep the meat or antlers.”

    My guess is that their are very few people that are going to try and bag that big buck with their shiny SUV. Even with a leather jacket, thick leather gloves and boots, eye-protection and of course that stupid plastic hat, probably not so many riders are going to try it either.

    On the other hand, “The exception to the above rules are unprotected animals, which can be picked up by anyone. Examples of unprotected animals include coyotes, skunks, nutria, opossum, badger, porcupine, and weasel.” So I guess if you survive tagging one these critters … well … enjoy the barbecue?

  20. puterindabasketchief Says:

    If you’re going to hit one, make it a whitetail–much smaller and better eating than a muley. The closest call I ever had was with a moose. Coming around a blind sweeper and a “small” bull was right in the middle of the lane. Those beasts will just stand there eye-fucking you like you’re in THEIR way. No respect.

  21. Paul Says:

    I was riding in the mountains near San Jose, CA when a deer put the first foot on the road. I backed off the gas and covered the brake and clutch. The deer looked at me and turned back up the hill so I rolled back on the gas. Sudden she turned and ran across the road right in front of me! You just can’t trust ’em!

  22. NCRider Says:

    We’re the same way here. Deer (and coyotes) are 24/7 these days but really an issue at night. I always try to remember, if you see one, be ready for another.

    No one writes like you, Rebel. I needed that!



  23. Sieg Says:

    Kraut is (as usual) right, they’re so thick here we call em corn-rats. I got a state highway on the edge of my place, it’s a rare morning there isn’t one down somewhere on the 20 mile stretch betwixt here and town.

    Bout the only thing that will fuck up a weekend worse than Hildabeast.


  24. Dino Says:

    I was riding near the PA grand canyon about two weeks ago with a friend when two bucks ran out in front of us and then stopped in the middle of the road to have a mini-battle. It ended and they galloped (or whatever deer do) up the bank.
    We stopped the bikes safely and the oncoming cars stopped easily too, but the bucks seemed to be oblivious of the presence of vehicles.

  25. trebor Says:

    One of my club Brothers goes all the way to Eastern Washington to hunt didnt get a damn thing yet probably passed two dozen that had been hit on the freeway.Told him he should get rid of the hunting rifle and invest in a cheap van.Easier to bag that way.Another Brother has hit three on his bike since being in the club.His nickname is Deer slayer.

  26. James Crawford Says:

    Deer are so stupid that they will actually run towards a moving vehicle, especially a motorcycle, rather than away from it. IMHO, the bucks are trying to fuck you and iften succeed.

  27. The Kraut Says:

    Fucking Bambis are all over SE WI…took out one of the furry fuckers years ago with a Dodge Daytona. I tend to cage it when I work PMs out of town. Hope the hunters kill plenty…venison jerky/steaks/sausage…mmmmmmGUT!

    Respects, The Kraut

  28. Dan-O Says:

    I was following another guy riding down the east side of the White Pass in Washington State a few years ago. I noticed some movement from the woods on the right side of the road coming towards the guy in front of me – flying. It was an eagle. A fucking eagle. Couldn’t have missed him by more than two feet. That was unexpected.

  29. woodstock Says:

    The last prospect to patch in to our club ended up with the road name Buck. Guess why.

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