Waco First Satire Safe Zone

August 12, 2015

All Posts, News

Waco First Satire Safe Zone

It is still déjà vu all over again in the North Korean vacation destination formerly known as Waco, Texas.

Twelve weeks and four days ago, People’s Republic of Waco  security forces took something more than 177 capitalist stooges and their running dogs into custody for eating pulled pork sliders and fried pickles for breakfast. “Yes we’ve eaten donuts,” P.R.W. Tourism Commissar W. Patrick Swanton emphasized. “ A high number of people jailed, killed, or injured (while eating pulled pork and pickles) were not from the Waco area. We know that for a fact.”

Infallible Commissar of Laws Walter H. “Pete” Peterson smelled a stack of 354 mimeographed pages, fell into a fugue state, awoke giggling and declared all the criminal tourists to be guilty until proven innocent. There then began a long and tedious unfolding of laws and hearings and Official Truths. Swanton (wearing the big hat in the photo above) announced he was running for Field Marshall. Foreign lawyers from exotic nations like Dallas and Houston told lies and simultaneously avoided mandatory lobotomies. P.R.W. Enforcer of Liberty Abelino “Abel” Reyna ordered the foreign lawyers to shut their mouths lest their specious words endanger the freedom of the 177 capitalist stooges and their running dogs.

Infallible Commissar of Laws Peterson, on the advice of his P.R.W. appointed attorney, hoped to trap the foreign lawyers in a brilliant plot that began with his withdrawal from the case. The scheme, amazingly intelligent though it was, did not work The foreign lawyers avoided compassionate reeducation  and continued their irresponsible chirping and chatter about ridiculous foreign concepts like “the Constitution.”

Peterson commented, “Doh!!”

Many Laws

Rogue elements in the Multi-Tiered Ministry of Many Laws threatened to allow one imperialist traitor named Clint Broden to speak to irresponsible writers and television presenters who are known to be enemies of the P.R.W. Last Friday, a panel of those decadent rogues announced that unless a way could be found to silence or eliminate this Broden within seven days, he would be allowed to chirp and chatter his ridiculous lies.

A runner with a big bag of nickels was dispatched to navigate the state of the art dirt roads of the P.R.W. to the nearest telephone booth – a distance of 46 miles – so that he might confer with Denis Rodman. Alas, the telephone booth had been disconnected a decade ago.

Sensing that this was a test from the Supreme Monster in the Sky, Enforcer of Liberty Reyna quickly took up his drug scale and his white cane and covered his worm-eaten eyes with a pair of very dark glasses. In a mere four days, tripping on crank and psilocybin,  Enforcer of Liberty Reyna managed to cut and paste something very beautiful that could only be cut and pasted in the P.R.W.: A tried and true, 4,500 word argument that was virtually identical to what he had argued before and that had the additional virtues of totally lacking insight, wit or what foreign lawyers call “merit.”

Today the despicable Broden, submitted a 36 page response in which he quibbled over various details of Tourism Commissar Swanton’s wise words about “outlaw biker gangs.”

The despicable Broden claims to have studied his nefarious craft in the totally fictional village of Philadelphia. The hypothetical village far to the east of the P.R.W. was proven once and for all to be a complete fantasy that fateful day in May when Infallible Commissar of Laws Peterson could not find the village on a map.

That’s what happened in Waco today. For real.


37 Responses to “Waco First Satire Safe Zone”

  1. Tommy Says:

    Love how you wrote this article rebel! Keep it up.

    It blows my mind how many sheep live in the US…..

  2. Tricky Tramp Says:


  3. WheresMyBoots Says:

    This was fantastic Rebel. Thank you.
    Respects, and Ride Free,

  4. FF Says:

    Holy shit this is great, Rebel!

    Ha ha!

  5. Spectator Says:

    As I read this, my mind accompanied the text with a buffoonish 1950’s Disney style cartoon. If only I was an animator. On a side note, it’s very nice of good ol’ Abel to be so worried about our friendly PH victims’ fair trials. At least someone in the not so Democratic P.R.W. is looking out for them.

  6. CH Says:

    Why not stop holding back and just tell us how you feel?


  7. Nos4a2 Says:

    Hey Rebel
    Does the DPRW have their own time zone too?

  8. R&R Says:

    The Ministry of Many Laws – hilarious! Thanks for the humor in a dreary situation.

  9. Brad Milch Says:

    From what I’ve read & seen on TV, there’s a big difference between savage governments like North Korea & China vs Swanton’s Waco. In North Korea & China executions are usually carried out against law breaking offenders caught in the act, snitched out by family & friends, or suspected by government operatives.

    In Swanton’s Waco, executions are carried out on strangers who happened to set foot inside Waco city limits that are on Waco PD’s shit list.

    A good lesson to future biker meetings: check ahead & find out if your club is on the bacon shit list before driving there.

    I’m halfway expecting Swanton & his boys to start moonlighting with his ‘street sweeping skills’ outside of Waco. I can just hear his business manager contacting Ferguson PD headquarters on the phone & assuring them his Waco boys can get those protestors off the street, the morgues full to capacity, fill the jails with cookie cutter arrests & 1 million dollar bonds, lie about it all on satellite global TV & be back home in Waco in time to feed/fuck the goats for a reasonable contract rate.

    With no pressure from the POTUS on down the food chain to the Waco mayor, why not expand out, Swanton, while the ‘gettin’s good’?

  10. Molasses Says:

    I spit my coffee all over my screen.

  11. RLG Says:

    WACO (P.R.W.) — Upon hearing the report of the Central Committee, the National Defence Commission of the Democratic People’s Republic of Waco promised to issue stern judgement to the slanderous Aging Rebel.

    Absolute is the trust of the army and people of the PRW in its ability to vanquish Rebel, the enemy of the party, revolution and people and heinous betrayer of the nation.

    All the crimes committed by the accused will be proved in the course of the hearing and will be admitted to.

    Rebel instructed stooges to sell coal and other precious underground resources at random.

    Rebel set up a secret organ under his control and took a fabulous amount of funds from a bank and purchased precious metals in disregard of the state law. Rebel thus committed such anti-state criminal acts as creating a great confusion in the financial management system of the state.

    Rebel is a mentally deranged person steeped in the inveterate enmity towards the system in the PRW, did great damage to the building of a thriving nation and the drive for the improvement of the people’s living standard, and set out to undermine the party’s monolithic leadership system and single-minded unity.

    Rebel did serious harm to the youth movement in our country, being part of the group of renegades and traitors in the field of youth work bribed by enemies. Even after they were disclosed and purged by the resolute measure of the party, Rebel patronized those cat’s paws and let them hold important posts of the party and state.

  12. old & stoned Says:

    Awesome Rebel, that was perfect. i read it hearing Larry the cable guy doing it ‘dramaticly’

  13. dogbreath Says:

    Thanx Rebel, I really needed a good laugh. Can’t wait for the details of Brodens latest filing.

  14. ak rack Says:

    PRW: Fucking priceless! Hats off over here, thanks for keeping the gloves off over there.

    Your truly,
    Proud to be Not From Waco.

  15. Pastorius Says:

    More accurate than the news you get out of the MSM.

  16. Chief Says:

    THAT…is some funny shit right there!!


  17. Woodstock Says:

    I hadn’t made that connection but it’s true. Waco Tx.is more fucked up than North Korea. Somehow that ain’t too funny at all, but the way you put it is. Question is, are we going to be able to change that situation?

  18. Road Whore Says:

    Good on ya, Rebel. Keep on keepin’ on!

    Ride Free

  19. Tiger Says:

    Damn Rebel! You are a man of many talents. Still laughing after sleeping on it. You should think of mabye doing a fictional diatribe for a while. They might have storm troopers sent your way. Or a midget assassin at least wearing one shoe and an eye patch.

    Respects for keeping it real.

  20. Liberty Says:

    Waco cops are now killing shoplifters. Unbelievable! Swanton is back… guess he’ll be proud of this with his campaign for Sheriff. Steal a brisket roast and die hungry. Shoplifter had a folding knife but they were “fearful of their safety”.

    Stay out of Waco!

    H-E-B Shoplifting Suspect Dies After Being Shot by Police


  21. martythe3 Says:


  22. TXBiker Says:

    Bravo Rebel. The truth not only sets you free, it is also damn entertaining when it flows from your pen.


  23. Tech Says:

    This is one of your best ever. Awesome. Thanks for that, Rebel.


  24. Tommy Says:

    “Shoot first and ask questions later” militarized pussies…..

  25. NOS4A2 Says:

    Most excellent! LMFAO.

  26. Phuquehed Says:

    Waco pigs – Of nearly all pig forces in the US, they have the largest count of scared-of-their-shadow pussies.

    Rope. Tree. Anyone involved with Waco justice.

  27. shovelNY Says:

    well said Rebel

  28. Gar SMC Says:

    Great writing Rebel.
    Thanks for the laughs.

  29. T Hell Says:

    Autopsy results for the nine killed at Waco

    Daniel Raymond Boyett

    Boyett, 44, of Waco, was shot twice in the head and once in the abdomen. Both bullets to his head — one from the top and one from behind — penetrated his scalp and skull. The report says a medical examiner recovered a copper jacket base from one of those bullets. The second bullet to the head was not described. The gunshot wound to Boyett’s abdomen grazed him, leaving cooper and lead fragments.

    Boyett was wearing a black vest and black boots and had a tattoo that read: “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me” on his right arm.

    He had trace amounts of methamphetamine in his system, the report shows.

    His Facebook page, deleted May 19, showed numerous photos of him in Cossacks gear and identified him as a regional road captain for the motorcycle club.

    Wayne Lee Campbell

    Campbell, 43, of Fort Worth, was shot once in the head, with the bullet entering through his chin, exiting and then reentering through his neck. A medical examiner found five metal, large-caliber, intact bullets in Campbell’s vest pockets, the report says.

    Campbell was wearing a black leather vest, black T-shirt, blue jeans, brown boots and metal rings. He had multiple tattoos, including a skull on a woman’s body and “Break this one” with a heart made of bricks on his chest.

    The report showed evidence that Campbell had trace amounts of alcohol in his system.

    Richard Matthew Jordan II

    Jordan, 31, of Pasadena, suffered one gunshot wound to the head. The bullet traveled from back to front, slightly left to right and slightly downward. A severely deformed, medium- to large-caliber, partially jacketed projectile fragment was recovered from the right side of his head and a second, severely deformed, medium- to large-caliber, partially jacketed fragment was recovered from the right side of his neck.

    The report shows Jordan also had abrasions on his face and scalp. Jordan tested positive for marijuana on a blood test. The report lists what Jordan was wearing and says five unfired bullets were recovered from the left front pocket of his vest.

    He had numerous tattoos, including the word “Lucifer” on his left forearm, and the word “Satan” and an inverted cross on his lower right leg.

    Richard Vincent Kirschner Jr.

    Kirschner, 47, of Wylie, suffered a gunshot wound to his right thigh, one to the left knee and one in the left buttock. He also suffered a superficial cut to the right side of his neck, a scalp laceration and abrasions to his face, trunk and extremities.

    Fragments of a small-caliber bullet were recovered from his left hip. The bullet traveled from back to front and downward. The bullet that struck his right thigh traveled downward, slightly left to right and slightly back to front. Fragments of a jacketed bullet were recovered from his thigh.

    Toxicology tests found traces of cocaine and alcohol.

    Jacob Lee Rhyne

    Rhyne, 39, of Ranger, suffered a gunshot wound to the left side of the neck that partially exited through his upper back and a gunshot wound to the lower abdomen, in addition to abrasions on his right hand. The report concludes that Rhyne died as a result of the gunshot wound to the neck. That bullet traveled from front to back, left to right and downward, the report shows. Projectile fragments from both gunshot wounds, including copper-colored jacket fragments and white metal fragments, were submitted to the Criminal Investigation Laboratory, the report says.

    Jesus Delgado Rodriguez

    Rodriguez, 65, of New Braunfels, was shot in the head and in the back. The projectile that was recovered on the left side of his head was not described in the report. The bullet went from front to back and slightly downward.

    He also was shot in the right, mid-back. The projectile perforated a rib, his right and left lungs and his heart and exited through his left chest wall. That bullet traveled from right to left, back to front and upward.

    Rodriguez tested negative for alcohol or illegal drugs.

    Included in a description of what he was wearing was a white metal U.S. Marine Corps tag.

    Manuel Issac Rodriguez

    Rodriguez, 40, of Allen, suffered one gunshot wound to the head and one in the back. The path of the bullet that struck his head was from front to back, right to left and downward. A severely deformed, apparently medium-caliber, jacketed bullet was recovered from the left side of the neck.

    The bullet that struck the right side of his back went from right to left, downward and slightly back to front. A moderately deformed, apparently medium-caliber, jacketed bullet was recovered from the left side of his back.

    There was no firearm residue on Rodriguez’s skin, meaning he was not shot at an extremely close range. He also tested negative for alcohol or drugs.

    Charles Wayne Russell

    Russell, 46, of Tyler, was shot once in the chest. A medium-caliber bullet was recovered from clothing adjacent to an exit wound on the right side of his back. On the base of the bullet is inscribed “15-08020” over “JU”, the report states. The bullet traveled front to back and downward and perforated his sternum, heart, right lung, vertebra and rib.

    Russell also suffered lacerations, abrasions and contusions of the scalp, an abrasion on his chin and abrasions to his extremities.

    The pathologist found a raffle ticket and a baggie full of a “green leafy material” in his pants pocket.

    Toxicology tests showed Russell tested positive for marijuana and negative for alcohol.

    Matthew Mark Smith

    Smith, 27, of Keller, had two gunshot wounds — one to his upper back and one to his abdomen. The bullet in his back was described as a “medium-caliber jacketed projectile.” The bullet through his abdomen hit his right kidney and aorta before exiting.

    Smith had tattoos of birds on his chest and one of the word “Devotion” on his left wrist, the document says. He was wearing gray jeans, a black vest and a blue cap at the time of the shooting. Smith’s blood tested positive for marijuana.

    Vehicle forfeiture documents state that when officers approached the restaurant during the shootout, a Waco police officer saw Jeff Battey and Ray Allen standing behind Twin Peaks “in a triangulated position” to Smith, who was lying on the ground about five yards away and was “gasping for air.” Both Battey and Allen were wearing Bandidos vests.

    An officer noticed that Allen had a silver handgun in his hand and said it looked like Battey had been shot in his upper right shoulder, according to the documents.

    Battey was arrested upon his release from the hospital the next day. He was the first of the 177 arrested bikers to be released after he posted the full $1 million bond.

    Smith’s autopsy report does not specify which of the two gunshot wounds killed him.

  30. Liberty Says:

    This article has links at bottom which show the full reports on each of the men who were killed.

    Lots of Head and Upper Torso shots with downward angle from the BACK.


  31. popeye Says:

    No stippling around wounds indicate they were not shot at close range as would be seen in close combat

  32. Mad Dog Says:

    Out of fairness, I have to say that the Arlington area of Texas also deserves a little time in the limelight. What does a SWAT team do when there are no motorcycle gangs to shoot at? They raid alleged drug crazed hippie communes! Read all about how craven hippies who allegedly said they ate food that was “uber dank” provided “probable cause” for an early morning raid by a 20-man SWAT team.

    “North Texas Hippie Commune Sues Over Failed SWAT Raid”


    Don’t miss the photos of all the criminal activity that the Garden of Eden commune posted on their Facebook page

  33. Austin Says:

    where I’m from we say “shot” or “shoot”

    This must be the new PCSpeak to distance one’s self from the reality and reponsibility of what * YOU * just did. Where is the Serve and Protect in any of this…

    “at which time the other officer discharged his firearm”

  34. Wolfenlover Says:

    This whole mess just proves that the people in charge & have guns, SHOULDN’T!
    Like the link Mad Dog posted. If the fuckers can’t tell the difference between
    OKRA & POT, they shouldn’t be in drug enforcement!PLUS take a SNITCHES word for
    FACT?! AARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH And they especially SHOULDN’T have fuckin’ GUNS!! OR be able to call up a screwball SWAT raid! These fuckers are actually just asking for a war, aren’t they?! It’s a total shame that most of America is populated with SHEOPLE!!

  35. Tooj Says:

    Austin, considering the intelligence in them I am assuming the questions were rhetorical?


  1. Waco First Satire Safe Zone | Starvin Larry - August 13, 2015

    […] Via The Aging Rebel […]

Leave a Reply