Somehow we missed an absolutely essential reality television show this spring.
The Safecrackers debuted in March on TruTV and ran for six episodes. It was produced by American Chainsaws Entertainment which appears to be three guys named Duke Straub, Colt Straub and Royal Malloy. ACE has also produced such must see reality series as Alaska Moose Men, Family Style, Mountain Monsters, Rat Bastards, Diamond Divers, Bath Brothers and Half Pint Brawlers. Anyone? Has anyone seen any of these shows? Anyone in West Hollywood or Provincetown seen Bath Brothers? Rat Bastards appears to have been based on an idea for a dystopian reality show by Cormac McCarthy. Maybe someone has seen that.
TruTV asked viewers to “follow Phil Crawford, one of America’s leading safe-crackers, and his best buddy, Blaze as they travel the country to unravel mysteries and unlock the secrets lurking in abandoned safes. Phil, Blaze and their fun-loving crew of family and friends can track down and crack giant bank vaults, intricate antique safes and even armored vehicles and underground bunkers.” The show’s logline is “Unlocking Alabama’s Mysteries…One Safe At A Time.” Sounds amazing doesn’t it?
New York Times Raves
Neil Genzlinger of the New York Times actually saw 30 minutes of this tragic waste of our precious electrons and enthused:
“Apparently all the abandoned storage lockers have finally been opened.” “Could there be a touch of desperation in the air as this already played-out genre tries to keep itself alive?” “On Monday night TruTV introduces The Safecrackers, in which a ‘master safecracker’ in Alabama named Phil Crawford opens doors whose keys or combinations have gone missing. First: There are master safecrackers? And, second: Are there really enough of these mystery containers to keep a master safecracker busy?”
“‘All across the South, there are old safes and vaults, their contents locked and forgotten,’ the show’s introductory riff asserts. Sure there are. So Mr. Crawford and his sidekick, Blaze, open an old hotel safe, a forgotten fallout shelter and other things, hoping to find wealth therein.”
Blaze The Biker
The most interesting thing about this show, which may have gone out of production but is still airing and will never really die, is Blaze the biker. All the best reality shows seem to feature bikers these days. That’s Blaze in the photo above. Behold the tattoo on his left arm.
In one episode the guy with the fallout shelter agrees to give Phil and Blaze half of what is locked down there in payment for their astounding safe cracking skills. The men shake hands and Blaze then cuts off a padlock with a pair of bolt cutters. You can feel the drama already can’t you?
There are two fascinating details about Blaze the reality biker. One is that although he is featured prominently in the show’s promotional materials, Shane “Blaze” Brady of Woodstock, Georgia is never credited by name in the show. The other is that Blaze is the Region IX Director for the Iron Order Motorcycle Club.
Want to watch now? You’re welcome American Chainsaws Entertainment. My pleasure.